When Youth Ministries Involve Parents

Posted on: 04/22/12 9:51 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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I’m a big advocate of youth ministries trying to provide venues where parents and teenagers interact, bond and even laugh together. Youth workers can be proactive about creating these kinds of venues—like PARENT NIGHT, FAMILY NIGHT or even MOTHER/DAUGHTER events.

That’s what Amber did. That’s why I asked her to write a guest post and give you a taste of what she did.

Amber is a volunteer youth worker in “nowhere” Nebraska. Trust me… it’s really in the middle of nowhere. I met Amber for the first time face-to-face a few weeks ago when I taught a parent workshop at her church in Nebraska. It was amazing to see so many from their rural community come out—great fun! After the workshop, Amber pulled me aside and thanked me for so many of the free resources we’ve been providing to youth workers like her for years, including an up-front game she had just used on a parent night- Battle of the Generations. The more she shared, the more I realized that she had a lot of fun ideas to offer. So I asked Amber to share a little about some of the evenings she planned and maybe let us know some of the specific activities she used.

So here’s a fun little guest post from front lines Nebraska youth worker, Amber:

Hey Jonathan,

You suggested I send an e-mail about some of the activities and games we have enjoyed on our parent/teenager nights, so here it is.  I also plan to put some reviews on the website.  LOVE all the games, thanks so much!!

I have used the “Parent Game” from your “Parent Night” and “Battle of the Generations” in our yearly Family Night event, and both the kids and the parents have loved it. I also recently did a purity retreat with girls and their moms, and we did our own version of the “Parent Game”. The girls were having so much fun that they were actually begging me to keep playing the game. I told them I didn’t have any more questions, but they asked me to make up some more so they could keep playing. I think they really enjoy learning new things about their moms, especially when the other girls are doing the same thing. I also think they enjoy it when they see how well their mom knows them!

Here is our version of the Mom/Daughter game:
Each person had some paper and a marker (small marker boards would work great here) and wrote their answer, then everyone held up their papers at the same time.  This saves lots of time and is much more fun than having one group leave the room.

QUESTIONS FOR MOMS

  • What is your daughters favorite color of toenail polish?
  • If you could throw away one thing from your daughter’s closet, what would it be?
  • If you had to guess one guy in your daughter’s class that she might marry, who would it be?
  • If you and your daughter were on a road trip together, who would have to stop for a bathroom break first?
  • If she had to pick today, what colors would your daughter pick for her wedding?

QUESTIONS FOR DAUGHTERS

  • What were the colors at your parents wedding?
  • What is your mom’s favorite movie?
  • What is the coolest car your mom ever drove?
  • What is your mom’s favorite day of the week?
  • Who was your mom’s best friend in high school?
  • How many times per day does your mom check her Facebook page?

We also love your “Dance Dance Evolution” game and “Time Check” game for our Family Nights.

I also plan to give away copies of your parent book, Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, at our next Family Night! 🙂

Thanks again,

~Amber Thornton

Thanks Amber! Those are some awesome ideas that might get our own creative juices flowing!

What about you?
Have you tried these kinds of venues with parents?

What worked well?

What didn’t work well?

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Dad, You Aren’t Funny!

Posted on: 01/12/12 11:09 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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I heard it again yesterday when I dropped off Ashley at school. I made a quick joke, that years ago would have had her in hysterics, but now… she just looks at me expressionless and says those words that I hear so frequently, “Dad, you aren’t funny.”

Is this true? What ever happened to my little Daddy’s Girl that used to laugh at every joke I ever said… even the lame ones? Did I lose the funny-gene somewhere after age 40? Around my own kids I feel like Bruno Kirby’s pathetic character in the movie, Good Morning Vietnam, who couldn’t face the fact that he wasn’t funny, and simply responded, “Sir, in my heart, I know I’m funny.”

As a guy who speaks for a living, it’s difficult when your toughest audience is your youngest daughter. I have no problem getting a whole sanctuary full of adults laughing, and whole campgrounds full of teenagers rolling on the floor. But Ashley now? I might get a chuckle one in five jokes.

At what point do parents cease being funny and cool?

In my house, it hit when my kids reached about 8th grade and it lasted well into their sophomore year. With my two oldest, Alec and Alyssa, they returned from “the darkness” (that’s what we call it in my house—the time when teenagers are just emotional, whiny brats that no one can please, no matter what you do) after just a couple years. But oooooooooh… those were grim years! I remember my little Ashley, back then, observing her older siblings’ antics and saying, “Dad, I’m not going to be like that, am I?”

And I would always plead with her, “No Ashley. Please don’t ever go to the dark side!”

But then it just happened! I heard about it from plenty of my friends and I read it in hundreds of parenting books. “One day your teenagers won’t want you around as much.”

I didn’t believe it. I thought, Not me! This is only something that boring parents experience. I’m fun! I’m funny! (Did I just type that out loud?)

But it happened, literally overnight. One day I just wasn’t funny anymore.

The other morning when I couldn’t get Ashley to laugh, I did the rookie mistake and tried harder. I was reaching deep in the bowels of my humor vault, finally resorting to some good ol’ fart humor. When in doubt, fart humor has always worked with Ashley.

Not even a chuckle.

Silent, but deadly.

In all seriousness, having teenagers of my own has been a learning experience. Each one has been different, but at the same time, they’ve gone through similar stages. Luckily “the dark side,” as we call it in my house, has only lasted about 2 years for each of my kids.

Sigh. Two years of not being funny.

I’m willing to wait. But, “In my heart, I know I’m funny!”

What about you?
Am I alone?

If you’re a parent of teenagers, did this happen to you?

Have you, like me, learned that the best thing to do is, not try?

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Backtalking to Mom Should Be Rewarded?

Posted on: 01/4/12 6:53 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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“I thought I told you to clean your room.”

“You did tell me that, and here’s why I didn’t…”

How many of you are already taking off your belt to teach this kid a thing or two? At first glance, this kind of talk from your kids might seem disrespectful, or as some of us call it, “backtalk.” But what if I told you, allowing this kind of talk can not only open doors for healthy conversations, but it can help your kids learn to say ‘no’ to drugs or alcohol.

Don’t worry, I’m not advocating letting our kids disrespect their parents. I’m advocating allowing our kids to respectfully speak their minds. Kids who can calm and confidently disagree with their parents are actually 40 percent more likely to say ‘no’ to drugs or alcohol than kids who didn’t argue.

Sound crazy?

The study was done by the University of Virginia and they published their findings in the journal, Child Development, in December 2011. Dr. Joseph P. Allen studied 157 13-year-olds, videotaping them describing their biggest disagreements with their parents. Some parents just laughed and rolled their eyes when they watched these videos. But the parents who wanted to talk with their kids about what they heard were the ones that Allen described as “on the right track.” The parents who allowed their kids to dialogue with them gave their kids practice handling disagreements.

NPR’s health blog tells us more about the study:

Allen interviewed the teens again at ages 15 and 16. “The teens who learned to be calm and confident and persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers,” he says. They were able to confidently disagree, saying ‘no’ when offered alcohol or drugs. In fact, they were 40 percent more likely to say ‘no’ than kids who didn’t argue with their parents.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from teenagers is that their parents don’t listen. That’s one of the biggest reasons we are launching TheSource4Parents.com’s new YouTube and Facebook page, R U Listening. Each week we’ll be posting a video where we listen to the felt needs of a student and discuss appropriate responses.

What if the parent at the beginning of this article didn’t take time to actually listen to their kid?

Maybe we should listen to the rest of the story:

“I thought I told you to clean your room.”

“You did tell me that, and here’s why I didn’t do it yet. You also told me to feed the dog and finish studying for my SAT test. Molly looked hungry, so I fed her first. Then I went straight to studying because I figured that was the most important. When I finish studying in about 15 minutes, I’ll get straight to cleaning my room. Is that okay?

Gulp.

Let’s be realistic. This probably doesn’t happen too often. Some of us might experience much more flawed logic from our kids like this:

“I thought I told you to clean your room.”

“You did tell me that, and here’s why I didn’t. I got a phone call from Taylor and he really needed to talk. So I talked with him, and he wanted me to check out this Facebook post that Chelsea put up about him. While I was checking that, I noticed that Jake was FBO with Katy, and you know how much she hates me, so…

Does this sound more like your kid?

Here’s a situation where parents can rise up and respond back to their kids in a manner that corrects gently, still keeping the doors open for future discussion. Sometimes this is easier said than done. Sometimes we tell ourselves that yelling just works better. But wouldn’t it be better to keep the channels of communication open? They’re pretty easy to slam. Besides, when we give our kids the gift of letting them be heard, we can do one better than just getting them to clean their room… we can teach them to articulate themselves and stand up for what they believe.

The NPR article linked above contends, “effective arguing acted as something of an inoculation against negative peer pressure.”

That probably makes a lot of us think twice about simply responding, “Just shut up and clean your room!”

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Sorry Adam, My Wife is Hot

Posted on: 01/3/12 5:10 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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My buddy Adam ranted in his blog today about guys who describe their wives as hot. Adam said it makes him cringe every time he hears it. Well… I cringed when I read Adam’s blog, because I am one of the people he referred to. “I have a hot wife!”

Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” on my friend Adam. I called him up to ask him if he thought I should write this little pushback to his blog. He welcomed the banter. I think his opinion is valid. I just wanted him and others to hear from the other side… guys who just can’t keep quiet about their hot wives!

So in response to Adam’s “Yes, your wife is hot” blog, here are my reasons why I don’t hesitate to mention how hot my wife is:

  • I actually mean it! I’m not just forcing it or trying to be demonstrative, I really think my wife is hot. I don’t say it when I’m speaking at a church and she’s sitting right there in the front pew—she would be embarrassed. She doesn’t want people looking at her to see if she is hot. But I don’t hesitate to say it if the subject of my wife comes up when I’m talking with a friend, when I’m teaching a workshop, or even speaking to teenagers at a camp. If you hear me mention my wife, you’ll almost always hear me say something about how amazing or beautiful she is. I can’t resist!
  • Adam says it’s immature. I’ve been called immature for a lot worse!
  • More guys should think that their wives are hot! Unfortunately, 87% of men admitted to using porn in the year prior. That’s a lot of men that are looking at other women and thinking that they’re hot. I really don’t want to be in that group, and, speaking completely candidly, there are way too many men who are comfortable “looking around.” Sadly, we men all have friends who don’t hesitate to “look” as long as they “don’t touch.” You’ll hear guys say, “Just because I’m on the diet, it doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” Sorry guys, I’m not buying it. I really don’t want to look around, because I’ve witnessed too many guys noticing that the grass is greener wherever they look. Personally, I really like my grass. (Did that come out wrong?)
  • I said it way before Talladega Nights.
  • Our wives need to know that we truly think they are beautiful. Hopefully, men aren’t just putting on a show. They should tell their wives how beautiful they are, and often! I daily tell Lori how hot she is. Sadly, this is often met with a chuckle, followed by, “Yeah, right.” Same thing when I tell my daughters how beautiful they are. They often say, “Well you only say that because you’re my dad.” It’s sad how poor the self-esteem of our women has become today. Today’s women are bombarded with images of how they “should” look, with perfect skin, ginormous breasts, and anorexic waistlines. Today’s females are often trying to measure up to an image that doesn’t even exist. It’s sad what these media-images are doing to our women. Our women need to hear how beautiful they truly are from people who mean it and really care about them. I’m entranced with my wife like the Song of Solomon poet. I love her eyes, the curve of her back… and for her sake, I won’t got into any more detail like the Bible does (but I do enjoy fruit).
  • Our young men need to be head over heals crazy about the woman they marry, in all aspects. As a minister who has married lots of couples and is counseling a couple now, I’ve seen this backfire both ways. I’ve seen a man be infatuated with a woman’s looks only. The marriage didn’t last. On the other hand I’ve seen a man “settle” for a woman he really liked, but wasn’t attracted to. This marriage, like so many, ended up with him having a porn addiction. Criticize me if you want, but an attractive spouse is very important to men (Dr. Willard Harley talks about that fact in detail in his book, His Needs Her Needs). That better not be the only reason a man marries a woman, but couples should never “settle.” Those marriages are doomed from the start.
  • And Adam… just because you brought it up, my wife does make a mighty fine meat loaf! (As hot as she is, she knows that food will always come before sex in our house) (That was meant as to infer priority, not sequence, but I’ll gladly take the latter on any day).

That’s all I got.

So if you don’t think men should call their wife “hot,” then that’s okay. Really. I might have it wrong, but my intentions are right. I don’t have it all together, but I definitely can’t help but smother my wife with love and affection. I’m a tireless romantic. My kids probably grow tired of me kissing my wife’s neck in the kitchen (and then helping her do the dishes).

My daughter Alyssa told me the nicest thing a few weeks ago. She said, “How is any guy I date ever gonna measure up to you? If he brings flowers, I’m going to think, Only flowers? Where’s my poetry? Where’s my personalized romantic iTunes playlist? Where’s my surprise trip to the ocean?”

My wife is so much more than hot! (and yes, I did make a playlist called “Lori”)

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Christmas Nerd Family

Posted on: 12/26/11 12:38 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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Last week our family was all laying around the couch watching Christmas specials and we landed on the Saturday Night Live Christmas special with one of our favorite sketches, the one where Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan sing, “I don’t care what your momma says, Christmas time is neeee-eeear…” (We love that sketch). After the sketch, Lori chimes in, “Maybe we should all dress alike like that for Christmas this year!”

Why, oh why, do we listen to Lori!!!

Yeah… we actually went to church like that!

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Ashley Just Wants Time

Posted on: 12/22/11 6:34 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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Today I walked up into my home office with expectations of working until noon and then hanging out with my kids for the rest of the day. Time got away from me. At 3:30, Ashley came in my office, “Dad, are you almost done?”

I apologized. “I’m almost done baby. Just a few more minutes.”

She left my office, head hanging low.

Next thing I know, I hear her giggling in the hallway and something rustles the carpet by my chair. I peel my eyes away from my computer for a second to see a plate of cookies by my office chair… wiggling oh so slightly. On closer examination I see a string tied to the plate of cookies. I follow the string to the hallway where Ashley is slowly tugging on the other end trying to draw me out of the office with the cookie-bait!

It’s just so “Ashley.”

The fact is, Ashley just wanted some time with me. Forget any other present under the tree… time has the most value. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to let those few hours pass by.

Are you giving your family the present of “time” this Christmas? Or do they have to drag you away from work with a plate of cookies? Think about it. Five years from now are you going to look back and wish you spent more time in the office… or more time with your kids?

Don’t forget what’s important this Christmas.

Merry Christmas, from my house to yours. (Gotta go. Ashley wants me to watch Home Alone II with her.)

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The Four Minute Mule

Posted on: 12/1/11 10:36 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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Last night we had to attend an award ceremony for my daughter Ashley’s cross country team. It was fun for the first 30 minutes, it was great hearing the coach talk about Ashley… but by the 3 hour mark…

Yes… over 3 hours long!

Wholy shamoli! Who wants to sit on a cafeteria bench for over three hours? I’ve attended life-insurance conventions that were more bearable.

At about the 90 minute mark, my 16-year-old, Alyssa, and I started playing with our phones. Alyssa grabbed Lori’s iPhone and I immediately texted her, knowing that Lori always forgets to put the thing on silent. The phone made a loud “DING,” a couple hundred heads turned toward Alyssa, and her face turned about 4 shades of red.

(I’ve been known to act like a junior higher.)

Time passed and we were searching for anything to entertain ourselves. We Google searched various topics, looking for anything to help pass time. One of the coaches on Ashley’s team has broken the four minute mile. That’s amazing, by the way! So I tried to type in a search for “breaking the 4 minute mile.” Instead I accidentally typed:

“Breaking the 4 minute mule”

Maybe it was the timing… but Alyssa and I started a laughing fit and couldn’t stop.

Sigh. Good times.

I bet you never realized how interesting mules actually are? Ask me… I know plenty now. Did you know that right now wild burros are wreaking havoc on Texas? Seriously!

Yeah… 3 freaking hours long!

I love my daughters… but please…. please… don’t make me go to another 3 hour long award ceremony!!!

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Cat Fights

Posted on: 11/29/11 4:59 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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Do you have teenage girls living in your house?

Can you say… cat fight?

About a year ago my daughters wanted to move into the same room together. They had some friends at church who did it and they actually thought it was admirable how close those sisters were. Long story short– I knocked out a wall, bought bunk beds… and shazaam! They’ve been together since.

Overall it’s been a good experience. My girls are pretty close, as sisters go. But there’s something to be said about the consistent petty little disagreements.

“Alyssa, did you set the alarm?”

“No, you always set it.”

“Exactly. Why don’t you set it for once.”

“Because you don’t like the way I set it, so I let you do it.”

“But I’m in the top bunk… you’re right there!”

“Sorry. Your job!”

Seriously?

I just blogged about this whole dynamic and how parents should respond in my DAD OF TEENAGE GIRLS blog.

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Watching The Help

Posted on: 11/28/11 4:18 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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The last 5 days provided several times to sit down together on the family couch and watch a lil bit of cinematic entertainment. The highlight of the weekend was definitely the film based on the best selling novel, The Help (I was sent a copy to review). Probably one of the best films I’ve seen in 2011.

This last week was one of the few years that we didn’t travel anywhere over the Thanksgiving holiday—kind of a nice change. Instead, we lit a fire, hung out with family, ate turkey, hauled out the Christmas decorations… and when we tired of all of that, we watched movies! I’ll be honest. When everyone asked, “What should we watch?” The Help was not my first vote. Alec and I, being men, had our eyes on something a little more manly (something with bullets, explosions… maybe even a few zombies…), but being outnumbered by the females in the living room, we consented on watching The Help.

10 minutes into the film Alec and I looked at each other, giving the “not bad” nod. By 15 minutes we were hooked!

The Help is funny, gripping and inspiring all the same.

We all loved it. I haven’t read the book, but my wife and my youngest daughter have. The two of them kept commenting about how the book went into a lot more detail (as books always do), but loved the film as well. I’m curious to read the book now.

The performances were spectacular. Emma Stone really proved herself as “Skeeter,” as did Viola Davis as “Aibileen.” But I think I was most impressed with two other actresses, the first being Bryce Dallas Howard (Ron Howard’s daughter).

It was probably difficult for Bryce to take on the role of the mean-spirited… scratch that… racist pig, Hilly Holbrook. Bryce was amazingly despicable. Bryce has so much range that I hardly recognize her in many films. I think I first noticed her as the blind Ivy Walker in M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village in 2004. M. Night must have loved her too, because he used her again for the lead role in Lady in the Water in 2006. A year later, I hardly recognized Bryce as the blonde heartthrob who Spiderman ends up saving from falling to her death in Spiderman 3… and that’s just it… she’s always completely different, and utterly convincing.

The second actress that wowed me was no-name Octavia Spencer in her role of Minny Jackson. Most people won’t recognize Octavia other than some teenagers who might remember her as the nurse in Halloween II or the “troubled woman” in The Soloist. But now, everyone will remember her as Minny Jackson. Minny was the icing on the cake in The Help.

I loved the film, my family loved it, and our movie review guy Todd loved it in his review of the film a few months ago (complete with discussion questions).

If you haven’t seen it, the DVD/BluRay will be released on December 6th. This is definitely one to watch with the whole family. (Be warned, there is one scene where someone uses the word “sh*t” literally in reverence to fecal matter in a comical way. It is referred to a couple times throughout the film. If you have young children that like to repeat things they hear, use discretion.)

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