Month: February 2012

“How far can I go?”

That’s the most common question youth workers hear when they speak to Christian students about sex. Young people in the church have heard Bible verses about “fornication” or “sexual immorality.” They’ve heard us teach that they’re not supposed to go “all the way.”

So how far can they go?

Funny. If we were teaching teenagers the explicit truth about sex… this wouldn’t even be a question. Furthermore, if young people understood how sex truly works, they might just be a little more careful to not set themselves up for failure.

It’s about time that we teach them that sex is more than just “a home run.”

#3: More Than a Home Run

This week I’ve been blogging about the need to tell our kids the explicit truth about sex:

• Day one I wrote about why we need to talk to our teens and tweens about sex.
• Day two I kicked off the Four Facts about Sex We Can’t Hush, with Fact #1: SEX ISN’T NAUGHTY.
• Day three I shared the second fact that we can’t keep to ourselves, Fact #2: CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

Now it’s time for the third fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves! Sex is not just “a home run.” It’s so much more. (Hold onto your hats… there’s no tip toeing through today’s subject matter.)

I’ve probably heard it a thousand times:

 “I know we’re not supposed to have sex. So instead, we just…”

Now fill in the blank with one of many various sexual activities. I’ve heard them all: make out, touch each other, have oral sex, have anal sex…

Shudder if you will, but adults don’t seem to agree what “sex” is either. Is sex just “intercourse?” Most Christian adults will agree that oral sex and “petting” (an awkward term) are each some part of sex, but what about physical touch? A boy groping a girl’s breasts over her shirt… is this sex? (You’ll get a divided response every time.) Is this kind of touch appropriate for Christian teens and tweens?

Our kids want to know. And frankly, no one is talking about it (probably because it’s so awkward).

No wonder our kids are confused. So many of us just teach, “Don’t have sex!” We give them the I Corinthians 6 verses about sexual immorality being wrong, and we leave it at that. We never even define sexual immorality. Interpretation is left up to the pubescents with their screaming hormones and undeveloped brains.

Let me be clear. When Paul tells us to “flee” from sexual immorality in that passage, he’s not just telling us, “don’t have intercourse!” Sex is so much more than just “a home run.” God created sex as a process that starts with a little flirting, usually kissing, consensual touching, and soon it grows with incredible momentum to “going all the way.” Sex is the whole process. We can’t skip the beginning stages. In the same way, we aren’t supposed to start the beginning stages and then just abruptly halt the process. When we try this… we fail miserably!

Setting Them Up to… Set Themselves Up for Failure
The blame rests with us. It’s our fault.

Young people today constantly set themselves up for failure because they simply don’t understand sex. The biggest reason that Christian young people don’t understand sex is because most Christian adults won’t talk about sex in explicit detail.

I’ve talked with literally thousands of students about sex. Whenever I meet teen moms and listen to their story, 99% of the time they tell me, “I had questions, but no one was there to answer them.” (I told two of these stories to you recently here.)

We need to teach our kids the unedited truth about sex.

God created sex as this amazing process that starts with a just a look. Guy notices girl, girl notices guy. Attraction. Eventually kissing. Kissing leads to embracing. Embracing leads to caressing. Caressing leads to skin-on-skin touch. This kind of touch eventually results in pleasuring each other by touching the breasts and genitals (some people are really feeling uncomfortable now). Sometimes this leads to oral sex…and eventually…intercourse.

Eew. There’s that scientific word again.

It’s amazing how many words, terms and analogies we’ve come up with to describe this process. Baseball is an analogy that was common when I grew up.

“Did you get to first base?” That was kissing.

“I went to second base.” That was touching above the waist.

“Third base.” Touching below the waist.

“Home Run!” Everyone agrees that this is “going all the way.”

The interesting question I like to propose to young people is, “Which of these bases is sex?” Or “How many bases are you supposed to round with your boyfriend or girlfriend?” I’ve rarely met a young person who doesn’t name a base.

Why Is It So Difficult to Stop?
Most students see sex as just intercourse. To them, sex is a “home run.” Sex is “going all the way.” To them, the other bases are fair game.

I always ask, “Then why is it so difficult to stop when you’re on second base?”

The fact is, the whole process starts when a guy and girl begin kissing each other. That’s the way God made it. It’s actually a very amazing gift. We need to remember that this isn’t something dirty we’re talking about here. In fact, when kids ask me, “Why is it so difficult to stop?” I always surprise them with my answer:

“Because you’re not supposed to stop!”

“Huh?”

God designed sex as a process. When a man and woman commit to each other in marriage, they get to enjoy an intimate act of passion with each other that is so special that it’s reserved for just the two of them together, no one else. It’s a bond between them…“a bond that happens to feel freaking amazing!!!!”  (Okay…you don’t have to add that part.)

When a man gets alone with his wife and starts running his fingers through her hair and telling her she’s beautiful…it starts! Kissing, embracing, touching…it all progresses. (Here comes the explicit details that Christians are afraid to talk about.) The man’s penis gets hard, sometimes a result of a simple kiss, a nibble of the ear… a touch. Why? He’s so excited, and he wants more! God made it this way. The more the woman is caressed and touched, her vagina becomes wet, preparing for what’s about to happen. All this touching and caressing builds excitement, and soon neither can help themselves any longer. He longs to be inside her, and she longs for more. (Wow, this sounds like a harlequin novel!)

At this point I like to throw in a little surprise when I’m talking with young people about sex. I usually say this:

“And at this point, before they go ‘all the way’…they both stop, shake hands and walk away.”

Kids always just stare at me like I’m insane. So I go on.

“Nope. That’s not what happens, is it? In actuality, it would take a tornado or a herd of buffalo to stop what was going on in that room between that man and that woman. And why?

“Because sex was already started. The process of sex started with a touch and a kiss and eventually built to this amazing climax when the two finally ‘go all the way.’

“This is what sex is, the whole process. Not just ‘going all the way.’ More than just ‘a home run.’ The fact is, you shouldn’t even go up to bat with someone you’re not married to. This whole process is to be saved for marriage.”

Students always appreciate my honestly.

Yes! I always get students asking me, “So you’re saying that kissing is wrong?”

Again, the answer to that question is explicit. If I’m just talking to guys, I’ll be explicit, but with a touch of humor to lighten the mood.

“Anthony, the answer to that is probably in your boxers. If you’re at your grandma’s birthday party and the whole family is gathered around the table. Your girlfriend gives you a kiss on the cheek when you bring her a piece of cake… then you’re probably okay. But my guess is that if you’re alone with your girlfriend on the couch making out, the process of sex has probably started. If ‘Little Anthony’ is standing at attention ready for battle, that’s a good sign that the process has started. That’s why it’s a good idea for you not to kiss your girlfriend without your grandmother in the room. Little Anthony is scared of Grandma.”

It’s painfully obvious that this is one of the reasons that young people fail sexually. They put themselves in situations where they “start the sexual process” and then can’t stop.

I love to have students talk about these type of situations that they put themselves in. I come up with hypotheticals.

“Your parents are gone and your boyfriend comes over to your house to ‘study.’ Good idea, or bad idea?”

“You and your girlfriend are alone, lying on the couch watching a movie. She’s laying on you. Good, or bad idea?”

I ask them to reflect on past situations. When was it difficult for you to stop?

Sometimes there are kids there who haven’t put themselves in those situations yet. It’s good for them to hear the other kids share their stories and experiences. It’s good for them to set some guidelines before they get into these situations.

It’s funny. Whenever I teach this whole “sex is a process” to students, they always say, “I’ve never heard this before.”

Why are we so afraid to tell young people this truth?

Tomorrow we’re going to learn a 4^th and final fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves…

* * *

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.

 

We’re on day three of “5 Days of Sex” in my blog.

Day one I wrote about why we need to talk to our teens and tweens about sex. Day two I kicked off the Four Facts About Sex We Just Can’t Hush, with Fact #1: SEX ISN’T NAUGHTY.

Today it’s time for the second fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves!

#2: CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

Consequences aren’t fun. Can’t we just pretend they’re not there?

That’s the message entertainment media is communicating to young people today. It’s a message we would love to believe.

A few nights ago my wife and I watched a rerun of CBS’s creatively funny, The Big Bang Theory (one of the 5 most popular shows on TV on any given week). In this particular episode, the sensitive nerd, Leonard, hooks up with his friend’s sister the day he meets her. As they’re getting up from sleeping together, he gingerly mentions his willingness to go further with the relationship. She callously objects, clarifying that sleeping with him didn’t mean anything.

The show progresses with no apparent consequences. Such is TV today (Look at the pie chart at the bottom of this blog two days ago to see an example of exactly what percentage of sexual dialogue is “responsible” on other popular shows.)

Do our kids know that this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be? Sex isn’t supposed to be a recreational activity that we do with people we meet each day. It’s something much greater than this.

Are we talking with our kids about the truth? Do we use “media moments” to have these discussions with our kids?

Sin 101
Yesterday I emphasized the point that sex isn’t naughty. Sex is a wonderful gift that a man and woman can enjoy together when they commit to each other in marriage. The Proverbs 5 passage I shared with you yesterday talks about some of this enjoyment in explicit detail. See verse 19:

may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

This is the way that it’s supposed to be. This is just a glimpse of good sex.

But our own flawed tendency is to take good things and try to twist them and make them better. It’s something that has happened since the dawn of man. Adam and Eve could have anything they wanted… “but that forbidden fruit sounds really good!” We’re inherently flawed. Men like their wives’ breasts, so why not enjoy other women’s breasts too? Why not “hook up” with anyone we want purely for fun.

As you well know, our culture even has terms for this, terms like “hooking up” or “friends with benefits.” A movie of that same title might just accurately represent how young people actually view relationships today. Ypulse’s Gen Y expert Melanie Shreffler seems to think so:

“Friends With Benefits (the movie) is a good representation of Millennial relationships. They believe that relationships can develop from friendships and from one night stands…. Millennials believe in trying things out before settling on a decision.”

This isn’t anything new. Mankind has always tried to do things their own way rather than God’s way. It’s sin 101. “I believe in you God… but I really want to enjoy this temporary thrill.” The book of Genesis is full of it.

Consider the Consequences
That’s why this Proverbs passage goes on to offer some great advice. Look at verse 20.

²⁰ Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

The Proverbs poet makes it clear. Why would you go outside of marriage for sexual pleasure? It’s meant for marriage. If you read the verses that follow you’ll see some of God’s reasoning why:

²¹ For your ways are in full view of the LORD,
and he examines all your paths.
²² The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them;
the cords of their sins hold them fast.
²³ For lack of discipline they will die,
led astray by their own great folly.

What an awesome passage to talk about with our kids! Choices have consequences. We could probably even ask our kids to name some of the consequences the verses list here: God sees everything we do and is examining our actions, our evil deeds will ensnare us, we’ll be tied down by our sins….

We could also have them list some modern day examples of each of these.  (Yes, I just gave you discussion questions.)

For further teaching: We could open up I Corinthians 6:12-20 and teach the concept of sexual immorality (vs. 18), defining it. (I always define it as the “voluntary sex of an unmarried person. More on the definition of “sex” in tomorrow’s blog, Fact #3). God wants us to enjoy sex in marriage, but literally flee sexual immorality. Ask kids what “flee” means.

What if people don’t actually have sex, but they just think about it instead? (enter pornography, stage right) Open up Matthew 5:27-30 and read Jesus’ words about lust. This is a great passage to talk about, especially with our boys. We need to talk with young people today about the increasingly difficult task of fleeing porn.

Explicit Grace
The Bible isn’t ashamed to talk about sex and consequences in graphic detail. Why should we be scared to do the same? For some reason God chose to tell us the truth in explicit detail. Sometimes these details show just how much God loves us, even though we are terribly fallen and corrupt.

Look at Genesis 38:

⁸ Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” ⁹ But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. ¹⁰ What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so the LORD put him to death also.

Perhaps we should edit this filthy material, eh?

Oh snap! It’s from the Bible?

I’m not saying that this is a “go to” passage when teaching 6^th grade Sunday school, but you might want to consider how you’re going to answer your kids’ questions about it when you’re reading through the book of Genesis as a family.

In our family Bible reading we actually encountered this passage just a few months ago, having a great discussion about how much God loves widows and orphans and doesn’t like anyone to take advantage of them. (Onan was denying Tamar an heir). The rest of the passage is pretty explicit as well. Judah sleeps with Tamar, thinking she’s a prostitute, she gets pregnant, Judah is going to have her burned to death for committing adultery (even though he did too). It has twists and turns like a Shakespearean play. Amazing story.

Funny, when you look back at the genealogies, Tamar’s line is the one from which Christ was born! What a great lesson for teenagers about how God takes the sinful pasts of mankind and uses it for good. Yes, sin has consequences. But God loves us despite of our mistakes.

These passages include some pretty graphic stuff. And for some reason the Bible didn’t edit the stories. We need to teach our kids about these kinds of real life consequences and God’s love for us throughout.

So don’t keep these facts to yourself. Share them in explicit detail:

1. Sex isn’t naughty. It’s a gift from God to enjoy in marriage!
2. Choices have consequences. Sex outside of marriage hurts us and the people around us. When we have sexual thoughts or think about sexual situations with people other than our spouse, it hurts our relationship with God and our spouse. Only His grace can bring healing.

Tomorrow we’re going to learn a 3^rd fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves…

* * *

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.

 

Yesterday I kicked off “5 Days of Sex” in my blog, and the point was simple: we need to talk with our kids about sex. Yes, even our middle school kids. Scratch that—especially our middle school kids!

In yesterday’s blog I wrote about why we need to talk to our teens and tweens about this subject. Now it’s time to talk about what to say! In other words, what good is it for me to tell you that you should talk with your kids about this, but not provide any ideas of what to actually say!

Some of you have heard me speak about purity, sex, or relationships at conferences or camps. Some of you have even used my talks on this subject like the talk, “A New Beginning” in my book, 10-Minute Talks. You’ve seen my candid approach. In my experience speaking to teens and tweens for the last 20-years, combined with my own experience as a parent of three teenagers, I find four facts about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves. Today I’ll share the first one.

#1: SEX ISN’T NAUGHTY

Perhaps we should start talking about sex the way God designed it, as something good!

Sex isn’t naughty, it’s not inappropriate, and it’s not shameful. The Bible isn’t afraid to talk about it in graphic detail and we shouldn’t be afraid of it either. The Bible opens with the story of a naked man in a garden who wanted a partner. God saw this and didn’t want Adam to be alone. So what does God do?

“Poof.” A naked woman.

Then what does God tell Adam? “Go forth and multiply!” How’s that for a sexual green light.

God is so awesome!

The Explicit Truth
Why isn’t the Bible scared to talk about the subject? The Bible is not afraid to talk about sex for the gift it is. The Bible tells us the unedited truth throughout. See Proverbs 5.

¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
²⁰ Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

I love using this passage to talk with young people about sex for several reasons:

1. It’s always good to drive students to scripture, and for some reason, young people always like this passage.
2. This passage is a voice not often heard in the world today—it’s pro marriage. It talks about marriage not only in a positive light, but with the passion and intoxication that this kind of true love relationship brings. (Very romantic)
3. It doesn’t hold back on the specifics. It brings up the fact that a man can enjoy his wife’s breasts (and it’s not naughty to do so). How often do you hear this in the church? Not often. But you hear these kind of details everywhere else.
4. It’s realistic about the consequences of looking around at other women (more on this point in my fact #2 tomorrow). If you read further in this passage, it goes into more detail of living out this kind of folly.

This is an amazing passage to go through with young people today. It tells us a pretty graphic picture of how wonderful it is for a man to enjoy his wife sexually. The passage isn’t even afraid to talk about her boobs!

Oh boy…look what I just did. I just made a bunch of people mad. Why? Because I said “boobs.”

Seriously?

Think about this for a second. What word do you think the Bible would use today? Consider the world we live in. The word “boobs” is an innocent and commonplace term in actuality. Most teenagers would use the words “boobs” with their own parents before they would say the word “breasts.” Most teenagers are used to hearing a lot worse from sources just a click away on iTunes. Take a peek at what literally millions of young people are hearing from rap star Tyga, the words he uses for women and their breasts, in his hit song Rack City that was #7 on the Billboard Hot 100 last week (Google the lyrics if you’re curious). Now that’s derogatory!

My point here isn’t to argue the word “boobs.” Use the word “breasts” if you think that would work better. Just let me ask you a bigger question:

What are you afraid of?

Too Much or Too Little?
Are you afraid of telling our kids too much? Do you really think our kids live in a shoebox? Do you think they’ve never heard of “boobs” before?

When it comes to talking about sex with our kids, we can err on the side of giving them too much information, or too little information. Which side would you prefer to gravitate towards?

I’ve met a lot of parents who, in fear, would rather err on the side of telling them too little. I’d love to ask these folks a question. What are the consequences if you tell your kids the unedited truth about a little more than they were already exposed to? Is it dangerous to tell them that sex is an amazing gift from God that they can enjoy when they are married? Do you think if you show a teen or tween this above scripture he or she is going to start downloading porn? Do you think that if you use the word “boobs” that they are suddenly going to start thinking about boobs?

(Important Note: Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying to throw discernment and wisdom out the window. In yesterday’s blog, two of my readers commented, asking me to specify exactly how much is too much when talking about sex, porn, masturbation, anal sex, etc.? See my answers to both Eric and Ben in the comments section where I give them my two cents, diving into even more specifics on this issue)

Why are so many of us afraid to share too much, so we settle for too little?

Consider this extreme. What if we do share too little? What if your kids would really like to know about sex but are too scared to ask? What if they have questions that aren’t being answered because we’re tiptoeing around the issue? Should they raise their hand in youth group or walk into their mom’s room before bedtime and ask, “Mom, I’m masturbating every night. I’m going for a world record! I can’t stop. It started with the JC Penney’s catalogue but now it’s internet porn. Help!!!”

The “Sex Talk” (singular)
A few months ago I met a young teen mom who became pregnant during her first year in college, got kicked out of her house, and had the baby on her own. Everyone in the church knew. Huge ordeal! It’s years later now, she’s living back at home and she’s back in church with her toddler, living with the day to day struggles of being a single mom. As she was reflecting back and telling me about her mistakes, I asked her, “What would you do different as a parent to help your own kids not make the same mistakes?”

Without hesitation she responded. “I would talk about it more!” She was adamant. “Not once—all the time!”

She continued. “My parents never talked about it. My dad couldn’t talk about it. He sent my mom into my room once to have ‘the talk.’ It wasn’t enough. I had questions, struggles and desires and I knew that they didn’t want to talk about it. So I didn’t ask them. I found out on my own.”

I hear this perspective all the time.

Three weeks ago I met a college kid with a two-year-old son. After hearing him share his heart, I asked him the same question, “What would you do to equip your son for these kinds of life decisions?”

He didn’t even blink. “I’m going to talk about sex with my son a lot!”

De ja vu!

He continued. “My dad talked with me about it once. Youth group talked about it once a year, but they never answered my questions.”

He gave me specifics. “When I went to college, I would go in my girlfriend’s dorm room. I just thought, this is so cool! This is what happens in every movie! I didn’t think through anything. No one had told me specifically, ‘If you get alone with a girl that initiates sex, it will be impossible to stop!’ I want my kid to know the truth. I’m going to prepare him for that day so he doesn’t have to figure it out on his own.”

Wow. Is it possible that some of us are unintentionally holding back the truth that our kids need to hear because we’re being so careful editing what we think is profane.

We need to start talking openly and honestly about sex. I’m not trying to give license to flippant use of course slang. Far from it. Personally, when I’m talking about sex in a youth group setting or with my own kids, I like to just use a word that is the least offensive or even the least “creepy.” This can change from crowd to crowd. Some people will tell you to always use the scientific words. Just make sure you know you’re your audience. Some kids will cringe if you use words like “intercourse” or “coitus.”

But definitely don’t hesitate to share a passage like the Proverbs passage above. Believe it or not, you’re going to encounter people who say that it’s just inappropriate to talk about the subject of women’s breasts at all. This is just bad discernment with no Biblical backing. If this were true, then why does the Bible talk about breasts? The Bible isn’t afraid to talk about body parts and sexuality in lurid detail. (You think this Proverbs passage is explicit, check out Ezekiel 23:19-21.)

Not Ashamed
The fact is plain and simple. The Bible isn’t ashamed to talk about good sex the way it was intended, and it’s not afraid to denounce sexual immorality just the same. This Proverbs passage talks about how husbands should enjoy their wives’ breasts. If you think the word “boobs” is offensive, then just use the word breasts. The key is, these body parts are not something bad. Sex is not naughty. God created this whole process. It’s not bad or dirty or shameful.

We need to communicate this to our kids! We need to present them with a holistic Biblical picture about sex.

So often, Christian adults are afraid to talk about “the naughty thing.” Satan loves this! The church has unintentionally propagated this lie for years. Our kids have learned that sex is naughty and we don’t talk about it!

The result?

Our kids sneak to find answers elsewhere…from the people who are talking about it: their friends at school, movies like Friends with Benefits, songs like Last Friday Night, and TV shows like Two and a Half Men and Jersey Shore.

Don’t be afraid to tell our kids the truth. Sex is amazing, a gift from God, something they’ll eventually get to experience when they find the right person and commit to them in marriage.

This isn’t naughty…it’s just good teaching.

Tomorrow… the second fact we can’t hush when talking about sex!

* * *

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.