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For the last few months I’ve been writing a book to parents encouraging and equipping them to have candid conversations with their kids about sex. In a world so full of explicit lies, today’s kids need parents who aren’t afraid to tell the explicit truth. This book will help parents create a climate of calm, continual conversations about sex.
But I need your help with chapter 12. I’m titling it, Tough Questions, and I want to equip parents with answers to some of the tough questions they will encounter from today’s young people about sex.
So don’t hold back! Hit me with the most common, and even the craziest questions you have heard from today’s young people. I’m writing the chapter this week!
Post the Q’s in my comments, and if I use your question (the first who asks it), then I’ll email ya and send you a free copy of the book when it’s released at the beginning of next year.
Gimme your sex questions!!!
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If sex is such a good thing (from God), why can’t I do it, think about it, or even talk about it? All the other guys my age do.
Oral isn’t really sex is it?
Ditto mutual masturbation. No contact of our genitals, so it doesn’t count, and we’re still virgins, right? Outercourse is fine too, right?
Oh, and of course, a President said so!
You’re going to have to break this up and edit it do death, but the toughest discusssion I’ve had… more than once… encompasses the following points:
The Bible sets down no particular age of consent for sex or marriage, so being not of this world we shouldn’t worry about what modern laws say when they exceed Biblical authority. Couple this with Levitical law that essentially says it is ok for us (both underage, both willing) to have premarital sex as long as we eventually marry each other and are entirely faithful to each other. We’ve both been pure until now, but after longing so long to find that ‘special someone’ that God means for us to spend our life with, once we are 100% sure we’re meant to be together (and we are, our feelings are SO strong, surely there has never been a stronger, purer, more complete love than ours!), isn’t it better for us to give ourselves entirely to each other in every way, becoming one and satisfying our sexual needs with each other so we won’t be tempted to sin, and knowing we will be legally married as soon as we are both old enough to do so where we live? Spiritually we’re going to consider ourselves married right now (in middle school or high school); look, we’ve even changed our FB status, so it’s official! How could a loving Christian, or a loving God, stand in the way of such a pure and beautiful love as ours? How dare you challenge the truth and depth of our feelings! It would be wrong to wait any longer now that God has led us to each other after so many (2? 3?) years of loneliness and longing for our life-mate. Why torture ourselves like that when we could slake our desires and get on with our lives to serve God together and rasie up a family together. The world is such a mess, we’d better start soon or we might not ever get the chance again.
There you go, bro. Have at it.
Wait… how did you get this question? Did you plagiarize this from ME when I was engaged? 🙂 Yes, I have heard this so many times, always from people who are engaged and in the middle of it. It’s amazing how our theology can change when we are in the middle of situations.
I won’t get into the answer too much here in the blog, but the Levitical law argument is pretty weak, especially with all the New Testament references to fornication, which is “the voluntary sex of an unmarried person”. Plus, how many friend have you had who were engaged, rings, wedding dates, etc. and called it quits? I can tell you at least a dozen that I knew. One, a good friend sixth months ago. My kids and I have talked about that several times. “Imagine if they slept together thinking, ‘we’re gonna get married anyway.'” The short answer is… GET MARRIED NOW if you can’t wait.
Although engaged for 2 years, my wife and I ended up pregnant with our first 2 months BEFORE the wedding date. When she finally does the math (she is 8 now), how do we respond? I don’t want to lie to her but it makes me feel like a hypocrite…advice needed.
Great question.
… and I think you wait until it comes up. One thing I talk about in the book is not avoiding questions but creating a climate where your kids know they can ask you anything. I think when that comes up, you know it’s time to address it. And I have COUNTLESS friends whose birthdays are 7 or 8 months after their parent’s anniversary… and they turned out great. 🙂
The toughest question about sex that I have ever been asked about sex is; “I’ve already had sex so I’ve lost my purity now what do I have to offer a good girl/guy? I don’t deserve to have a relationship with a virgin do I?”
Yes… I’m actually focusing a whole chapter on that, “What if I already messed up? Is it too late?”
Is masturbation wrong? Even if I don’t think about anybody when doing it I just enjoy the feeling of it? – some girls swear this is possible, but as a guy I personally don’t believe them.
I am already damaged goods – multiple sex partners, STD, child – whats the point in trying for purity again, is it even possible?
I just don’t want to be alone/I want to be loved. The only way I keep a guy is by sleeping with him. What else can I do?
I think I have damaged my body by some of the things I have used to masturbate with, I am scared to talk to anyone about it, will it heal? – Girl asking this question
If in the bible multiple wives, concubines, and thus sex partners was ok, (King Solomon for example or Judah and Tamar) why is it not ok today?
If you have masturbated are you still a virgin?
Is it wrong to sleep (actual sleep/nap/fully clothed/no sex) with your significant other?
Just a few questions that come to mind.
Good questions… wow… this is difficult to NOT answer all these questions now in this blog!!!! (I’m not the “leave it alone” kinda guy) Just a note, as for the Bible heroes having multiple wives… I actually touch on that in the book and show where the Bible says that was NOT okay and show some of the natural consequences of that. And the sleeping together… I talk about that in the “fleeing” chapter (because I don’t know a teen guy who could sleep next to a girl he loves without thinking about sex… and we know what Jesus said about lust). Okay… I refrain from answering others. 🙂
“What counts as “sex” anyways – I mean, even If I think the bible says not to have sex outside of marriage, what really counts? Where is that imaginary line? Could it be subjective – personal to me and different for someone else?”
“What about masturbation – does the bible have anything to say on that? I mean, if I’m not lusting – maybe I just don’t like to have those dreams – so it’s preventing me from having lustful dreams right?”
“Why would God, who says that all he created was good, tells us that we can’t have sex whenever we want?”
There are some that I have heard – I think some have been outright asked or lauded to already … I’m sure there are more … perhaps they will make it here, perhaps not in time …
Funny… you’re hitting the big ones. I actually have a chapter dedicated to “how far can I go?” question… what is and isn’t sex. I also have a masturbation chapter. And funny, I open the book with the question, “Why would God give us something good like sex and then tell us we can’t have it!”
“What’s wrong with with homosexual sex?”
“What’s the difference between heterosexual sex and homosexual sex?”
“I don’t like the opposite sex and I have feelings for the same sex, does that mean I’m a homosexual?”
“Did God create homosexuals?”
Yes, we’re addressing these issues in this chapter. Tough subject.
What about nocturnal emissions/wet dreams? Is that a sin? Did I sin in my sleep/dreams?
What about abuse/rape? Can I still be a virgin if I was hurt by someone else? And how can God truly love me if He allowed that to happen to me?
Ha… I hadn’t thought of the wed dream question. Good one. As for the abuse/rape… yeah… tough questions. I have an entire chapter on dealing with past hurt. Thanks Josh.
Some of these are statements I’ve heard from teens and parents rather than questions so much, but hopefully you get the idea. The earlier one of “Is oral sex really sex? Am I still a virgin?”, as was stated earlier, is a popular one and “Is it ok to masturbate?”
If it doesn’t hurt anyone else, then why does it matter?
How do I tell my parents? Do I even need to?
If we snapchat pictures then it’s not sex so it’s ok.
Why should I care if my looks or actions cause someone to lust? It’s their own dirty mind, not my problem. (addressing this for girls AND guys – like does a guy’s dress and actions cause a girl to lust like is normally talked about for girl’s dress?)
Why is there a double standard for guys and girls?
Purity is only important for girls.
I know I want a baby (13 year old) so I might as well do it now.
Good questions Layton. I have a chapter devoted to “our daughters” and another devoted to “our sons” where I cover some of this.
When did the purity ring turn into a “I’m technically a virgin ring?”
How can those who’ve already had sex make a commitment to stay pure from that point on? Isn’t that almost impossible?
May want to touch on what our public schools are “educating” these kids on. I’ve had some of my youth group kids ask me questions related to what they learned in sex ed. One asked me not long ago, “Why do they keep telling us that if we have sex, we’re having sex with everyone they ever had sex with, what does that even mean?”
I find it easier to have the sex talk with my students early in the year before they get it at school.
I also get the test drive analogy a lot. You test drive a car before you buy it, shouldn’t we be able to have sex before marriage to make sure we’re compatible?
I would love to see co-habitation addressed. I have several Christian friends who have lived together before marriage, believing it was fine because they were engaged. My brother and his girlfriend are living together now and this has caused a lot of friction with my family because my husband and I are “old fashioned” and don’t want our children to believe co-habitation prior to marriage is okay.
I have a rising 5th grader who will be hearing the sex talk in school next year. I will be reviewing the curriculum before I decide whether or not to opt her out. Her dad and I are going to talk with her together before school starts so that we can share with her what we believe about marriage and sex and what Scripture says. I would love to have your book as a companion. I know she will have lots of questions.
“If I had a homosexual experience but am still attracted to the opposite sex, does that make me bisexual?”
“What do I do if I have homosexual feelings but want to be straight? Am I broken?”
“Is it okay if I masturbate to keep me from looking at porn?”
Oh, how I could use this resource now! Thank you for addressing and I so look forward to adding to my resources.
My questions – how can I stay true to the values my parents, church and family teach when so many of my friends don’t? Also, when media makes it SO acceptable – doesn’t that mean it is okay?
When is it good to have these discussions? A recommended age? How can I help my child be comfortable asking me the questions that they could easly “google” and get WAY more than what they are asking?
Thanks Jonathan- as a parent of teens and a youth leader – I can’t thank you enough for taking this on.
The question that I’m asked most frequently is:
If the Bible says it’s wrong to have sex before marriage then why are so many adults living together without getting married? Things have changed in the world over so many years, doesn’t the influence of society in any way change what the Bible says? Why are we held to one standard and those over 30 held to a different standard?
Another question once asked: If someone tried to rape me but didn’t succeed with penetration, why do I have mixed feelings about sex. I want to obey God but I get excited sometimes, even taking a shower and then I feel guilty because I want to feel that ‘good’ feeling that I also hate feeling because it brings back terrible memories. Why did it feel good when the experience was so bad?
From one of the 8th grade boys in my group:
The Bible talks about a man and woman becoming “one flesh”, and that has to do with the act of sex, right? What about two gay guys; are they one flesh also?
Isn’t it better to masturbate after a date than to have sex with my girlfriend?
So I had sex with a girl I kinda know. It was just sex and I don’t regret it. I might later on when I’m thinking about marrying someone, but right now I don’t. This has really made me question my beliefs. Does God really care if I have sex outside of marriage if I’m still reading my Bible, praying & helping others? Maybe this whole God stuff isn’t really true.
A friend of mine counseled a girl who was wanting to follow Christ and commit to purity. However, the culture the girl lived in was one of great promiscuity and very little if any value of marriage. Sex is the norm for dating in her culture. She would be the only Christian that she knew of in her area that held the view of sex outside of marriage as being impure. What do you tell her? She was told to read her Bible, pray and grow as close to God as she can. Listen for God and his direction. God will let you know what to do. Also, if she has sex, it’s not the end of the world and won’t discount her from God’s love or salvation. Is that the best way to handle the situation? What do you tell a teen about sex (outside marriage) as sin from a spiritual maturity perspective without encouraging a rejection of maturity until marriage?
Monday: I don’t want to have sex. Tuesday: I had sex again. It won’t happen again. Wednesday: Ah, it happened again. That’s it, no more. Thursday: Again…now this time I mean it. Friday: No matter how much I want to stay pure, I just can’t. Why even bother? (apply this to months, days, hours, etc) I think the question here is how do I break out of an unhealthy cycle? When I’m alone, I know that’s really not what I want to do. However, when I’m with a guy/girl, I just can’t stop/say no.
How and when do I talk to my child about my past?
I have multiple children. How do I talk to one without the other and help the one understand that some things shouldn’t be talked about with the sibling until the sibling reaches a certain age?
I had a sex dream about my mom!!!! What does that mean?
Had a married person tell me how he had been so careful to stay pure and ran from several “close” calls. Now married to a wife who had previous sexual encounters during college. He is now resentful and looks back on his close calls wishing he would’ve just gone for it. How do we guard our children from the “guilt” of making good decisions?
Not sure what definition you are using for sex. The one I have used and surprisingly this is used by the local organization that comes into our public school to teach abstinence. “Sex is any genital contact.” This covers masturbation, oral, anal, and traditional forms sex.
“If parents and guardians don’t really know how nice sex is, why are they always trying to prevent us from having it?! They don’t even know what is!” – that’s one of d weird questions I’ve heard frm teens.
I was asked this at church camp 10+ years ago by an 8th grade boy:
“If a guy has anal sex with a girl, is she still a virgin?”
As the director of an abstinence education program in public and private schools, I have seen a shift in the attitudes and questions of kids in the last few years. Many of them seem to believe that “some things just happen” rather than believing that they can choose self-control. I think this is a reflection of the TV shows and movies that they are watching. We have also had more questions like “I am gay so I can’t get married. So how can you tell me that I should be abstinent? Are you saying that I can’t ever have a relationship with someone I love?” We give students several opportunities to write anonymous questions. However, in the last few years, they have been a lot more likely to ask “tough” or “edgy” questions out loud in front of the whole class (oral, anal, slang terms for sex acts etc. Another common question is “Even if I wait, I won’t ever find a guy/girl who is a virgin, so why should I even try?”
What if I don’t plan to get married? Does that mean I will never have sex, ever?!
The one I hear a lot from our youth group teens and young adults, after my husband and I talk about how we use Natural Family Planning, is this:
“Isn’t NFP just Catholic birth control?”
We address this questions mostly with the young girls, some of which are already on the pill– whether for actual birth control or because it “regulates” their period. I’m not sure if that fits into the idea behind the book, or is even relevant for most teens, but we have gotten that question on multiple occasions. And even from some adults!
Here’s some of the questions my kids hear……what’s wrong with giving my boyfriend a blow job or a hand job…..it’s not really sex….
according to the Bible,how far is too far?
Thanks, let me know when your book is out!
Yep, I devoted a whole chapter to the “how far” question.
So my fiancé and I are young(engaged at 20,just turned 21) and while we r not exactly teens anymore we are wondering:
While we’ve always understood that the seeking of any physical sexual pleasure outside of marriage is wrong, and that sex can only b right, a good thing even, within the bonds of marriage because it is only then that you are truly free/able to share your entire self/being with the other person; now that we are engaged we’ve been talking&wondering…even within marriage, how is it possible to have sex and still totally respect eachother?? How do you know that you’re “doing it for the right reason”???
How do we not take one another for granted?