Tough Parenting

Posted on: 01/25/11 4:31 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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A lot of buzz about the parenting style of Amy Chua, Yale law professor and self-described “tiger mother.”

Amy claims to be raising her kids “the Chinese way.” She forced her daughter to practice the piano for hours on end until she got it right. She called her other daughter “garbage” after she behaved bad. She gives new meaning to the world “strict.”

But let’s be honest. Discipline isn’t easy. Maybe that’s why so many parents are curious about Amy Chua’s methods. Time Magazine goes into great detail about Amy’s parenting style in their cover story, Tiger Moms: Is Tough Parenting Really the Answer?

Other columnists are reacting to Amy’s style. New York Times columnist David Brooks even calls her a “wimp,” claiming that she is taking the easy road.

I believe she’s coddling her children. She’s protecting them from the most intellectually demanding activities because she doesn’t understand what’s cognitively difficult and what isn’t.

Practicing a piece of music for four hours requires focused attention, but it is nowhere near as cognitively demanding as a sleepover with 14-year-old girls. Managing status rivalries, negotiating group dynamics, understanding social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group — these and other social tests impose cognitive demands that blow away any intense tutoring session or a class at Yale.

So what’s the answer parents are looking for?

Most parents seem to float to one of two extremes: the ultra tough disciplinarian, or the “anything goes” parent. The tough parent wants to raise healthy, disciplined kids (plenty of research to back up setting the bar high). Sadly, a number of these parents get so focused on their child’s “performance” that they forget to reveal consistent love and nurture. So swings the pendulum to… the “anything goes” parent– a severe over-reaction. This parent feels that any discipline is lacking in love and nurture, so… anything goes.

I’ve seen kids from both extremes.

I’ll be honest. I’m biased. I’m a recovering “ultra tough disciplinarian. I was always very strict with my kids, all under the umbrella of love. That’s easy to “just say,” by the way. Many strict parents claim, “Oh, my kids know that the reason I am so strict is because I love them.” Oh, really? When is the last time you told them that. Better yet… when is the last time they perceived that?

I know this well, because at times, I was waaaaaay to hard on my son Alec. Yes, he was in need of discipline. And yes, I meant well. But the bottom line was, he wasn’t feeling very loved when Dad was always talking in harsh tones.

Sorry. Tough love expressed as just “tough” is not good enough. Love also needs to be expressed by noticing, listening, and investing. These activities might be as simple as hanging out with our kids and having conversations with them (not one-way conversations).

I’m still strict. But I’m also very relational with my kids now. Parents can’t expect to enforce rules without a relationship. It’s only out of the hours of time I spend with my kids laughing, talking, and just “hanging out” that I’ve earned the respect from them when I say, “No.” It’s a tough balancing act. And I’ve learned a few tricks to avoid always saying, “No.” Sometimes I ask them questions and lead them to discover the answer by themselves (I go into more detail about this in my discipline chapter in my new parenting book coming out this Spring).

Right now on our TheSource4Parents.com site we are featuring a helpful article about discipline from my friend Jim Burns.

Which way do you lean? Are you a tough parent, or anything goes?

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Ashley’s Attitude

Posted on: 12/31/10 1:48 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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Of my three kids, Ashley (my 13-year-old) is the one that has turned out the most like me. She’s actually a very good kid compared to what I was at her age, but she reeks of my adolescent attitude and sarcasm.

I have to share you an “essay” I made her write when I busted her on Christmas Eve. I don’t need to tell you many of the details– Ashley provides all of them in her paper (dripping with sarcasm!) The skinny of the situation was, she didn’t want to dress up for the Christmas Eve service, and we told her to. She ended up getting assigned “a chore” (when my kids smart-off or argue, I assign them an extra “chore” as punishment), and eventually the ultimate bad punishment in my house– having to write a paper. When my kids get in big trouble, I assign them an essay. (I’m a slave-driver!)

Here’s Ashley’s paper. She opted to write it as a fictional narrative. I think it pretty well sums it all up.

“Abbey, go put on your dress for the service.” Mrs. Flop yelled.
“Okay mom!” Abbey replied.
She began to pull on her ugly sweater-dress and black tights. She hated having to dress up. When she was finished, Abbey walked downstairs.
“Oh Abbey, you look just gorgeous!” her mom exclaimed.
“Gee, thanks.” Abbey sarcastically replied, staring at her uncomfortable and ugly outfit in the mirror.
“And don’t forget, you can’t take it off at all, even when you get home from the service. I want you to look nice on Christmas!” her mom said.
“What?!” Abbey yelled, “This is the most uncomfortable, ugly, stupid outfit in the world!”
Abbey’s dad poked his head in the room and said, “That’s a chore young lady!”
Abbey wanted to scream. Never before had her parents made her do this. It was so dumb.
Just then, Abbey’s brother Alex strutted in the door wearing jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and converse; an outfit that he wore to school all the time. “Oh Alex, you look handsome!” her parents said.
“Oh my gosh!” Abbey yelled, “Why does he get to wear that?”
Abbey’s dad turned his head toward her, “Not another word from you! And that’s another chore!” Abbey walked upstairs to her room and closed the door. (Ashley emphasized closed in bold and underline)
“Abby. Come downstairs right now! Her dad yelled “You are going to write a paper on your attitude!” I’ve told you a million times not to slam your door!”
Abbey exclaimed, “But I didn’t even slam my door!”
“Yes, you did. Now go write that paper!” he retorted quickly.
Abbey marched into her room and closed her door silently.
Was Abbey right for mouthing off to her parents? Of course not: she should have respectfully argued with her mom about why she really didn’t want to have to wear that uncomfortable outfit all night long. Around Christmas time (actually, all the time), children like Abbey should not be mad at their parents for making them wear their outfits all right; no matter how uncomfortable they are. Children need to remember that dressing up is a way of respecting Jesus. And around Christmas, respecting and rejoicing in the birth of their Lord and savior. Also, kids need to respect their parent’s decisions because they are in charge and they know what is best for them. So no matter how frustrated Abbey was, she should have respected her parents and been a loving and good child.

Classic!

Yes… Ashley would agree that my upcoming parenting book is appropriately titled, “Candid Confessions of an IMPERFECT Parent.”

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A Bonus of a Bad Economy

Posted on: 12/2/10 8:23 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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Nielsen came out with a fascinating report this week, a study revealing that more people are eating at home in the last year. Nielsen is calling “food” the social network of the ages:

When you think about it, isn’t food the real social network of the ages? Food is, and always has been, that special bonding agent that connects family and friends—with no electronic device necessary! Whether we gather for holiday celebrations, special occasions or the traditional family dinner, food, plain and simple, brings people together. And, as the U.S. economy experienced one of the worst downturns in recent history, consumers showed a renewed focus on back-to-basics in-home cooking.

I love it when people recognize the importance of relationships, including simple tasks like eating together. It seems like food is one of the common denominators that keeps surfacing when I talk about adults connecting with kids one-on-one (Connect).

Author/speaker Wayne Rice and I were talking about parenting a couple months ago– Wayne and I have both been writing articles for our new TheSource4Parents.com –and he mentioned an article he wrote recently about the disappearance of the family dining room. Wayne had read an article talking about how many people were converting their dining room into workout rooms or offices. After all- the dining room was the least used room in their house. Wayne noted what a tragedy this was… the decline in family meals.

Research reveals that families should make family dinners a priority. Columbia University’s study shows that those teenagers who have fewer than three family dinners per week are one and a half times likelier to report getting mostly C’s or lower grades in school; and teens who report these grades are likelier to smoke, drink and use drugs?

Maybe this down economy is just what families needed to get them back around the dinner table together.

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Inside the Teenage Brain

Posted on: 11/29/10 1:26 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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Ever wonder why teenagers might be better than us in video games, but seemingly inept at simple decision making and reasoning?

If only we could take a peek inside the teenage brain.

Well… they have!

Parade magazine featured an excellent article yesterday about the teenage brain. I’ve written on the teenage brain before— especially the fact that teenagers lack the neural circuitry in the frontal lobe necessary for decision making. Teenage brains are a “work in progress” until they are in their 20’s. (That explains a lot, huh?)

This new Parade article encored that research, and also shared a few other interesting tidbits:

  • The skills you practice as a child and pre-teen become much sharper in the teenage years; and those practiced reluctantly, if at all, will diminish on your brain’s hard-disk drive. “The brain is very efficient, allowing you to become more adept at the life skills you’re going to use — which is why these are the years to set good work habits in place,” notes Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute and author of Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs.
  • The frontal lobes, and particularly the prefrontal cortex, are one of the last areas of the brain to develop. Researchers now believe that the prefrontal cortex — responsible for things like organizing plans and ideas, forming strategies, and controlling impulses — is not fully developed until the late 20s. (The article I wrote above cited research that said “early” twenties. Interesting that it’s now the “late 20s.)
  • Beginning in puberty and continuing into the early 20s, adolescents need from 8.4 to 9.2 hours of sleep on average a night.
  • Teens and adults used different areas of the brain to process what they were feeling. Teens rely much more on the amygdala, a small almond-shaped region in the medial and temporal lobes that processes memory and emotions, while adults rely more on the frontal cortex, which governs reason and forethought.

Lori and I talked about this article quite a bit when we read it. I was encouraged by a few things:

– Sometimes I second-guess myself when I’m not only teaching, but enforcing good work habits in our home. I wonder, “Am I being too strict?” It’s good to hear that this window of time sets these good work habits in place for the rest of their life. I even asked my son Alec (17) his thoughts on the issue. He said, “Looking back, I’m glad you made me get off my butt and do some of this, because I probably never would have done it myself.”

– Lori and I make our kids go to bed at 9PM. They always complain, “9PM!!! None of our friends have to go to bed at 9PM!” But when their alarm goes off early, they’re always grateful!

– It also seems interesting that research keeps showing “full maturity” to be later and later. Early twenties, now late twenties. I can’t help but wonder if we’re pampering this generation too much, helping them not grow up. I’ve always experienced great results when I “raised the bar” just a bit with my kids, both in ministry and in parenting.

Hmmmmmmm.

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Stuff You Can Use

Posted on: 11/15/10 9:29 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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I’m clocking out early today to get alone and write (I have to finish my last two chapter of my parenting book this week), but I wanted you to see some helpful new resources on our web sites.

1. David just finished an intriguing new Youth Culture Window article titled, The Gospel According to Hollywood, giving you a peek into celebs like Gaga, Bieber, Perry and Cyrus as they talk about their “Christianity.” David challenges parents and youth workers to talk with their kids about these claims and he gives us a few ideas to teach truth. Be sure to check that out, using the new “rating” and “comment” features on that page to give us your two cents on his article.

2. The second resource is featured in the SPIRITUAL GROWTH RESOURCE OF THE WEEK section on the front page of TheSource4YM.com (I don’t know how many of you look at the front page of our site weekly, but it always offers new Youth Culture Window articles, OUTREACH resources of the week, SPIRITUAL GROWTH resources of the week and more). It’s a brand new discussion from our MUSIC DISCUSSIONS page using David Crowder’s “Everything Glorious” to talk with your kids about Demi Lovato’s recent struggles and how we can build strong and healthy self-esteem.

3. TheSource4Parents.com is almost completely finished. If you haven’t seen it yet, take a moment to look around. The site is live and kicking, with only one page to finish up (ASK THE SOURCE). You’ll see some 4YM favorites like the Youth Culture Window articles, the Slang Dictionary and my blog, but then you’ll also see some new stuff like MUSIC DISCUSSIONS specifically for parents and an amazing PARENTING HELP page with articles from Jim Burns, Wayne Rice, Al Menconi, David R. Smith and myself.

That should keep you busy!

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Wholesome… and Not… in the Music Charts

Posted on: 11/12/10 10:31 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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The music charts have had some interesting movement in the last few weeks, some wholesome stuff, and still plenty of the “not-so-wholesome.” I always find it intriguing to see what our kids are listening to.

A FEW OBSERVATIONS:

1. Willa Smith (10-year-old daughter of Will Smith) found #1 on the iTunes video charts with her new song and video Whip My Hair. The song is well done and the video is really cute. (Wow, am I showing my age? Only a dad would say… “this is cute!”) No one is dressed risque’ in this video, the lyrics aren’t about picking people up in the club… speaking candidly, it’s a breath of fresh air. I saw it as high as #2 on iTunes for songs in the last week, it currently rests at #13 on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart. Not bad for a 10-year-old singing a clean song!

My only worry- in all honesty- is what fame can do to a 10-year-old. I hear from numerous sources (including Scott Derrickson when I interviewed him about Jayden Smith in his film “The Day the Earth Stood Still”) that Will and Jada are really good parents. So I hope the best for her. But fame creates a lot of pressure, as we’ve seen over and over again recently (Demi Lovato)

2. Glee did a version of Katy Perry’s racy song Teenage Dream this week and it immediately catapulted to #1 on iTunes and hasn’t budged since. This shows you the incredible draw and power of this show. Many of you read my two cents about the show before the launch of Season 2. Season 2 has proven to be edgier and even more risque’. I was bummed when I saw them redo Teenage Dream. If you wonder why I don’t like the Katy’s Teenage Dream, just google the lyrics of the song or… grab your accountability partner and co-watch the music video (And while you’re watching the video, especially at the 2 minute to 2 1/2 minute mark, realize that 28 million people have watched this video on YouTube alone! Yikes!)

3. Black Eyed Peas are back with a new dance song called “The Time (Dirty Bit).” The song is #2 right now, I predict it will go #1 in no time. Black Eyed Peas are amazingly talented, but keep putting out these typical “I wanna lose control” club dance songs. Sometimes the lyrics are clean, like I’ve Gotta Feeling,” but with really raunchy videos- I’ve talked about that before. Other times they try to slip some raunchy stuff under the radar– but our kids know what they’re talking about. I showed a sobering example of this (an insight into their lyrics and an interesting YouTube video of kids performing their song) with their song “Imma Be.” Regardless… they are back!

Other noteworthy observations:

  • Another clean option- Taylor Swift’s new “Speak Now” album is selling like gangbusters (what exactly is a “gangbuster?”), claiming Billboard’s #1 spot on the Top 200 Albums, the #2 album spot on iTunes, and with six of the songs from the album in iTunes top 200 downloaded songs.
  • Rihanna teamed up with rapper Drake for the song What’s My Name. That song flew to #1 on the Billboard charts, which isn’t as quick to move as iTunes (iTunes changes almost hourly- revealing trends like the Glee song, where Billboard won’t reflect those changes for a week). Don’t underestimate Rihanna. She’s getting racier and her new album “Rated R” will be releasing November 23- her first album to bare the “explicit lyrics” label. Hmmmmm.
  • Katy Perry still owns the charts, with her Glee song at #1 on iTunes, her new song Firework at #1 for videos on iTunes, #4 for song, and #10 on Billboard. My thoughts on Katy here.

Keep talking with your kids about the music they listen to. The lyrics do affect them.

Make use of our MUSIC DISCUSSION pages on both TheSource4YM.com (for youth workers) and TheSource4Parents.com (for parents)…different discussions for each page. If our kids are already listening to this stuff, let’s use it to get to the Gospel!

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The Source for Parents

Posted on: 11/8/10 8:32 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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Okay… I’m getting excited… because our THE SOURCE FOR PARENTS page is almost completely finished. www.TheSource4Parents.com

Let me tell you a little about this fun little project… then I’d love your feedback.

Many of you have already popped over there and snuck a peek at the page recently. It’s been up and running… it’s just had an “under construction” banner up for the last couple months. Well, my web guys actually removed the construction banner this weekend. The page is almost complete. We’re just doing some finishing touches on our ASK THE SOURCE page where parents will be able to write questions and get answers from real parents.

For the last few years, parents have been beginning to take notice of our youth ministry page www.TheSource4YM.com, reading our Youth Culture Window articles, my blog, and using resources like our Slang Dictionary. Youth pastors have been emailing me and telling me, “I send parents to your page all the time!” Our team finally got the idea– Why not a duplicate page, but just for parents!!!

I encourage you to take a peek at this new page. Not only does TheSource4Parents feature some of our THESOURCE FOR YOUTH MINISTRY favorites like the Youth Culture Window articles, our Slang Dictionary and my blog, but we’ve added some other resourceful items unique to parents. These include:

  • MUSIC DISCUSSIONS- these discussions are different than the ones on the 4YM page– these are written specifically for parents who want to use current music as a springboard for discussion with their kids.
  • PARENTING HELP- this page is a gold mine of articles to parents about parenting. I called up some friends in the parenting world and asked them to contribute. So Jim Burns, Wayne Rice, Al Menconi and more have written articles in this section– articles addressing real life parenting issues.
  • MOVIE REVIEW & QUICK Qs- This page not only provides movie reviews, but also supplies three “quick questions” at the end of the review that parents can use to dialogue with their kids about the movie they just saw.
  • PARENTING WORKSHOPS- I have been doing a bunch of parenting workshops across the country.

Take some and click around this page. I’d love to hear your input and thoughts before we officially launch it.

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Parenting Book Cover

Posted on: 10/29/10 7:37 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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At the beginning of the month, a few hundred of you helped me (and my publisher) choose a cover for my upcoming parenting book. It’s time to show you those results, as well as the final cover!

We showed you four possible ideas, and asked for your comments. Even though a number of you favored the cover with the teenager on the front, the overwhelming majority of you liked the one with burnt toast and offered some great comments about color, design, etc. All good ideas, indeed.

We took those comments and the team has made some tweaks, finally coming up with a really good final cover. (And for those of you who really liked the other covers– no worries– I think you’ll still enjoy the content of the book!)  🙂

Many of you have asked… so here’s a peek at the final cover below, and a glimpse at the Table of Contents as it sits right now. The T.O.C. can still change a bit. I have six of these chapters written and am working steady on finishing the rest.

The will hit the shelves in spring, 2011. I’ll keep you all posted as I make progress on it, especially as we launch www.TheSource4Parents.com in the next few weeks.

Thank you all so much for your help!

FINAL COVER

Table of Contents
  
Introduction—I’ll Never Do That with My Kids
 
CHAPTER ONE:
Blemished—Life Lessons
 
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
 
Building Relationships
 
CHAPTER TWO:
Can I Even Make a Difference?—The Weight of Parental Influence
 
CHAPTER THREE:
Be There—Discovering Quality Time
 
CHAPTER FOUR:
Hot Tubs and Nail Salons—Arenas Where Communication is Cultivated
 
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
 
Teaching Values
 
CHAPTER FIVE:
Raising the Bar—Teaching Our Kids Lasting Values
 
CHAPTER SIX:
Dad, Can I Download this Song?—Applying Discernment in Day to Day Decisions
 
CHAPTER SEVEN:
Do It or…or Else I’ll…—Discipline and Follow Through
 
CHAPTER EIGHT:
I Want to Be Like You Dad and Mom—Imperfect Parents Inspiring by Example Regardless
 
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
 
Letting Go
 
CHAPTER NINE:
Before They’re Gone—Raising Up “Daniels”
 
CHAPTER TEN:
Am I Too Late?—Last Minute Efforts

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I’m Too Sexy for My… Costume?

Posted on: 10/25/10 1:45 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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“What do you wanna be for Halloween?” Taylor whispers to her friend Kayla in her 6th grade history class.
“A naughty nurse! What about you?”
“A racy referee!”
Whatever happened to good ol’ princess costumes? Anyone? How about a clown?
Halloween costumes are becoming smaller, racier and sexier. These kinds of provocative costumes have always been available for adults, but have you noticed how frequently they are being marketed to our teens and tweens in the last few years?
My 13-year-old and 15-year-old girl love costumes, so they are quick to grab the “Party City” costume insert in the paper each week during the month of October. Have you seen these ads? Some of these might as well be in the Victoria Secret catalogue. Alyssa picked up this week’s little costume insert and saw a picture of this girl in the little blue outfit highlighted on the back of the ad (the picture on the right). She laughed and asked me (and I quote), “What’s this costume supposed to be, girl in slutty blue dress?”
It’s funny. Many of the costumes don’t seem to have a point, other than to be short and provocative. Sadly, parents are “lowering the bar” and purchasing these kinds of costumes for their daughters. This is yet another instance when parents should read the American Psychological Association’s report, The Sexualization of Girls and consider the consequences that go along with lowering our standards like this.
Jump on Party City’s costume website and look at the most popular costumes they market to our teenager girls. Girls can choose from costumes like the Teen Girls Racy Referee Costume. Or for those who want to pay tribute to our soldiers, why not get your daughter a Teen Girls Sassy Sailor Costume.
As a dad of two teenage girls, I can assure you… there is no way they are leaving my house wearing something like this! Sadly, many parents allow this. You should have seen the average dress size at the Homecoming dance I chaperoned a few weekends ago. Some of those dresses would have made Katy Perry blush.
We need to stop lowering the bar.
Many teenage girls aren’t going to just consider costumes for teenagers (they’ll let our tween girls do that—kids always dress up one age group. That’s why some of the girls in my daughter’s junior high school PE class wear thongs), they’re going to look at the costumes for adults. That opens up a whole world of choices for young girls. Now they can dress up as Mile High Captain (my 13-year-old asked me why she was called that. Sigh.) or Dirty Cop.
Amazon.com offers a bunch of really crude and racy costumes as well, costumes like “Gropin Granny” or “d**k-head,” a costume where guys dress up as… well… yes, the male genitalia (Yeah, I didn’t include a pic of that one). I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. This costume is probably pretty accurate to what we’ve all become dressing up our females like we do.
If a man wants to buy a sexy costume for his wife when the trick-or-treaters are gone and the kids are asleep, have fun! (hmmmm… that gets me thinking) …but can we please stop marketing this stuff to our kids?

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Crowder Shines

Posted on: 10/22/10 9:24 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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I don’t know if David Crowder can even fathom the amazing impact he has had on worship in the 21st century. He’s not only filled arenas with jumping young people lifting their hands to God and rocked churches across the continent… he’s given believers a tune to hum throughout the day. He’s provided ‘ammo’ for worship.

I can remember the first time my wife heard the words to Everything Glorious and came in to me, “Jonathan, have you heard this?”… I think I teared up. A bunch of us were dialoguing about lyrics of today’s music in the comment section of my blog about pop music earlier this week, and I mentioned, in a world where young girls constantly look in the mirror and think, “I’m ugly,” Crowder provides a song that says:

You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?

So powerful.

Yesterday I was working on my parenting book in progress (5 chapters due today… I’m done with 6. Yeah!!!) and I was finishing up a chapter on “creating guidelines” in our homes. I listed some of my guidelines, one of which had to do with starting and ending the day with Christian music.

This has been an interesting experience in my house. We, like most people, enjoy secular music (The Fray, John Mayer, Five for Fighting…). And we allow secular music in our house that doesn’t distract us from our relationship with God (The Fray and Five for Fighting are great… Mayer is an interesting one…). But we’ve also added this guideline of only allowing Christian music the first hour in the morning and the last hour at night. My kids were really whiney about it when we first discussed it years ago. But we discussed it and agreed on it as a family… and it’s been powerful.

There’s nothing like starting and ending your day with God’s truth in your ears. If you haven’t tried it… I encourage you to.

That said, Crowder is often in my ears. Call me picky or whiney… but I don’t like a lot of Christian music. I’m constantly on the lookout for the good stuff. But Crowder, Dutton, Tomlin… and yes, even a few Toby Mac songs have been a huge help.

Yesterday Crowder blogged about a new video they made with a Lite Brite (hilarious description of trying to make the video with over 80 friends all “pegging” to make it happen). I love Crowder’s videos. I’ll never forget in the last year when I popped on iTunes to look at the Top 10 (something I regularly do) and saw his HOW HE LOVES video at #6 (amazing song and video). I thought, “Rock it Crowder!” So proud of him for making something so quality and so praiseworthy. Well… Crowder’s at it again, this time to his song, Shine.

Other people are already blogging about it this morning… I won’t repeat. But I encourage you to check out his blog, and check out this video. You’ll be humming the song later… I promise. (I downloaded the whole album- I couldn’t resist)

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