Parenting Archives - Page 30 of 34 - Jonathan's Blog From The Source

MTV’s Insights about the New “Kid-driven” Family

Posted on: 03/29/11 4:28 PM | by Jonathan McKee

Before I dive into today’s topic, I wanna throw something out there. Today’s blog title doesn’t mention “contest” … so I’m going to see how much you guys are actually paying attention. 😉 I’ve got some giveaways for you: I’ve got my hands on the brand new special edition of the classic Academy Award winning The Ten Commandments, the one with Charlton Heston as Moses and Yul Brynner as Pharaoh. It’s just been rereleased on Blu Ray and DVD. I’ve got a copy of each (1 Blu Ray and 1 DVD) that I’m giving away. I’ll also give away 5 copies of my new parenting book, Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent.

Winning will be simple. Use the comments feature on this blog to post a comment about the subject at hand today– MTV’s take on the modern family (see below). Do you agree with their conclusions or not. At the end of your comment, you must mention the city and state you live in, and whether you would prefer the Blu Ray, the DVD, or my book. I’ll draw 7 winners 24 hours from now. (WINNER NOW POSTED AT BOTTOM)

Onto the subject at hand:

My dad just finished reading my parenting book, and today he forwarded me a relevant article from Fast Company Magazine, titled, Are You M-Ready (about the generation of older teenagers and young 20-somethings known as Millennials). The article interviewed an MTV VP whose job is to research the drives, desires, passions, fears, etc. in the lives of teens today (so they can market to them).

The entire article was intriguing, but the part I found the most interesting was what he described as “tectonic forces” that move beneath much of what defines the uniqueness of this generation.” The first “force” he described was the recalibration of the nuclear family and, as consequence, the way this generation was parented. Where the old family was parent-driven, the new family is more a democracy, if not even kid-driven. Personally, I totally agree with this observation, as probably evidenced by my youth culture window article this week, Raising the Bar, where I lash parents with questions, asking them, “Have you completely given up?!!!”

Here’s MTV VP Nick Shore’s description of this family recalibration. He says it well:

A century of “parent-centered” nuclear family has steadily been under-going a paradigm shift, and may have just passed the tipping point. The nucleus of the family has been moving towards the child, and Millennials look like the first generation raised in that new nuclear family structure. No longer the hierarchical structure with authoritarian parent “leadership,” the new family is flattened to a democracy, with collective (if not kid-driven) decision-making process. Parents are more like best friends, life coaches, or as we at MTV call them “peer-ents.”

75% of Millennials in an MTV study agreed that “Parents of people my age would rather support their children than punish them,” 58% agreed, “My parents are like a best friend to me.”

No longer is it necessary to “rebel against” authoritarian parents to individuate, engage in acts of self-expression, or push at the boundaries. As one youth psychologist we work with pointed out, “Parents don’t say you can’t go to the party, they create safe spaces to consume alcohol, they say Can I pick you up afterwards?, Here’s money for a taxi.”

Sound familiar?

I’m glad to hear Nick provide some of the reasoning why parenting are lowering the bar. It’s simply because… they aren’t in charge anymore. Little Brianna is in charge, and by the way, she wants the new iPhone… today!

Thoughts? Do you observe this? Are MTV’s descriptions of parents (in this article linked above) and my description of parents (in this week’s Youth Culture Window article) fair?

WINNERS:

Sherri in Red Lion, PA – DVD winner

Danielle in Tyngsboro, MA- Blu-Ray winner

Patrick in Marion, Indiana- Book winner

Nick in Orlando, FL- Book winner

Jake in Butte, MT- Book winner

Pete in Glenwood Springs, CO- Book winner

Micah in Salina, KS- Book winner

Posted in Contests, Entertainment Media, Family, Parenting, Youth Culture | | Leave A Comment

Teaching Kids Lasting Values

Posted on: 03/28/11 8:23 PM | by Jonathan McKee

Have today’s parents just given up?

Then why is it that the average U.S. parent continues to lower the bar morally for their kids?

Do you think parents should allow their 14-year-old girls to dress however they like?
Should parents permit their middle school students to download, listen to, and watch whatever they want?
Are parents oblivious of what their teenagers are truly doing on a given Friday night?

Sadly, anyone who habitually hangs out in the world of young people knows that all of the random reflections above are overwhelmingly accurate about a majority of U.S. parents today. (Skeptical? Have you been on a public school campus lately? Have you seen the songs that frequent the typical kids’ iPods? Have you observed teenagers at a school dance recently?)

Is ignorance an excuse?

This week, for our Youth Culture Window article I’m including a timely excerpt from my new book, CANDID CONFESSIONS OF AN IMPERFECT PARENT, encouraging parents that they don’t need to lower their standards. While the world around us is lowering the bar, it’s okay to raise the bar and actually teach our kids lasting values.

Click here for that article, RAISING THE BAR: Parents Teaching Their Kids Lasting Values

Posted in Books, Discussion Ideas, Family, Parenting | | Leave A Comment

TV Still Rules

Posted on: 03/24/11 4:06 PM | by Jonathan McKee

I’m preparing to teach two training workshops this weekend, a “Discipleship” workshop to the teachers/faculty at a Christian school tomorrow, and then my parenting workshop in Eastern PA on Sunday. Doing a little research, I thought I’d check in on the ongoing battle between internet and TV, both media channels vying for our kids’ attention.

This is always an interesting study. Common perception is that kids spend much more time on the internet each day. But time and time again, to most people’s surprise, TV proves to be the primary media “time sponge” for young people.

In Kaiser’s huge media consumption report last year, kids averaged about 90 minutes per day on the internet, where they soaked up a good 4.5 hours on the TV immersed in American Idol, Jersey Shore, Family Guy, etc. (MTV is often the most watched network by young people)

Nielson’s brand new State of the Media report (free registration required to view whole report) reveals just how much TV kids were absorbing each day in quarter four. Check out this chart– the monthly hours of each age group in the last quarter of 2010: (notice that my age group watches waaaaaaay more TV than our kids)

If you combine the top two rows, 12-17 year-olds are averaging almost 3 hours and 44 minutes per day of TV. About 6 months ago Nielson was reporting 12-17 year olds average about of 3 hours 46 minutes per day. Not much of a shift.

Wondering what people are watching? This past week American Idol still ruled broadcast TV, and Jersey Shore still reigned supreme on Cable.

Sigh.

Posted in Parenting, Speaking/Training, TV | | Leave A Comment

Candid Confessions is in…

Posted on: 03/22/11 5:29 PM | by Jonathan McKee

Wow… cool surprise today. A huge shipment of my brand new parenting books (due on the shelves April 1) just arrived here today. I tore open a few of the boxes like a kid on Christmas… of course… I knew what was in this present.

I’m staring at a copy right now in my hand. Standard Publishing did a great job putting it together. The cover surprised me– it looks waaaaaay better on the book itself than on the computer screen. My compliments to the printers. The layout is really nice too. They added the “toast smoke” throughout by the end of each of the chapters next to the “Reflection Questions”. The back cover turned out really well too. They chose two good endorsements for the back (Jim Burns and Kevin Leman).

Anyway… they’re here! That means, for those who pre-ordered, AND who order the books from our web site now, I’m mailing out those signed books immediately! (I know, I know… I offered a special deal signing all pre-ordered books. I’ll go ahead and continue signing all copies that people order during this first month). So if you missed the pre-order, no worries. Just order HERE.

Here’s a peek at the back cover.

Standard was also really good about plugging TheSource4Parents.com, including the web address on the back cover. Hopefully that will drive a lot more people to the free resources on our parents’ page.

For those that are coming out to my workshop in PA this weekend… I’ll have my books there too.

A huge shout out to all my blog subscribers who helped us choose this cover and get this thing out quickly! Thanks everyone!

Posted in Books, Parenting | | Leave A Comment

But Mom, It’s Only 9PM…

Posted on: 03/9/11 2:14 PM | by Jonathan McKee

This morning I was talking with my 15-year-old daughter Alyssa on the way to school about a friend of hers who she’s been praying for. “She’s always in a bad mood,” Alyssa ranted. “She’s got stressful stuff going on at home and she never gets enough sleep.”

Even though I had a good guess as to why, I asked Alyssa, “Why isn’t she getting enough sleep?”

“Because she stays up late texting a guy every night. He’ll text her in the middle of the night. She doesn’t ever turn off her cell phone.”

Alyssa’s friend isn’t alone. As a matter of fact, her friend is in the majority. According to a brand new study by the National Sleep Foundation:

The average hours of sleep per night for 13-18-year-olds is 7 hours and 26 minutes, well short of the 9 hours and 15 minutes recommended by experts.
72% of this age group text the hour before bedtime (which the report related to not getting good or enough sleep)
28% of this age group leave their phone ringers on all night in their bedroom (that doesn’t include vibrate)(this group reports getting much less sleep)
Average bedtime for this age group is 11:02 p.m.
13-18-year-olds drink, on average, 3.1 caffeinated beverages a day to try to cope with their lack of sleep.

I’ll be honest. Helping our kids get good sleep isn’t easy. I’m not talking about enforcing a “cell phone is off at night” policy -that’s simple. Parent need to just lay down the law (and frankly, if parents find it difficult to enforce, then they might need to just collect cell phones before bedtime).

The difficulty I’m talking about is dealing with how busy our kids are today and the high expectations from school, sports and every facet of their lives. I know Alyssa really struggles to get it all done and still get to bed at a good time: sports/exercise, piano, homework, family dinners, church, reading her Bible… it’s a lot to cram in. Alyssa and I actually sat down this past weekend and tried to schedule some of this stuff and we came up with the tough conclusion that she might have to quit piano for a while.

These are tough choices to make. Alyssa (15), is getting old enough to start making some of these choices on her own. Lori and I are trying to help “think with her” (those who’ve attended my parenting seminars recognize that little catch phrase) through this process.

As my daughter finished telling me about her friend and got out of the car this morning, I asked her. “So does that mean you’re glad that Mom and I make you guys turn off your cell phones before you go to bed?”

She gave me an evil stare (like, “Shut up, I know you’re right. Don’t gloat in it!”) 🙂

AN ASIDE: My parenting book, Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent (released at the end of this month) is probably going to be available for pre-sale next week on TheSource4Parents.com

Posted in Parenting, Smartphones/Cell Phones, Youth Culture | | Leave A Comment

Parents Getting Their Kids Talking

Posted on: 03/7/11 1:35 PM | by Jonathan McKee

It seems that I hear it again and again as I’m dialoguing with parents after one of my parenting workshops. “I can’t get my kid to open up and just talk with me.”

It’s a common dilemma. Sometimes it maybe be because our conversations with our kids tend to be like this: me lecture, you listen! But often, it’s more than that. It often can be pretty difficult to get kids to open up.

That’s one reason why we created two new pages on our www.TheSource4Parents.com page:

1. MUSIC DISCUSSIONS:
The average 8-18-year-old listens to 2 hours and 19 minutes of music per day. Parents can use current music to springboard conversations with their kids about what they heard. That’s why we’ve created this brand new MUSIC DISCUSSIONS page just for parents (much like our MUSIC DISCUSSIONS page on our youth ministry website, but quicker, simpler, and designed specifically for parents). Be sure to check out this page, because we just added brand new music discussions for parents to talk about hit songs such as Gaga’s Born This Way, Bruno Mars’ Grenade, and more.

2. MOVIE REVIEWS & QUICK Q’s:
Ever walk out of a movie with your kid and wish you had some resources to talk with them about what you just saw? That’s why we decided to add “Quick Q’s” to our movie reviews when we launched our new parents website just a couple months ago. Our MOVIE REVIEWS & QUICK Q’s page, not only provides the reviews, it also provides questions that you can ask kids about what they just saw. Each one of these resources includes a relevant scripture to help you bring truth to the discussion. Check out this page this week– we just added reviews for The Adjustment Bureau in our theatrical release section, and 127 Hours in our rental release section.

Enjoy these resources.

Posted in Family, Movies, Music, Parenting | | Leave A Comment

Are You a “Parent”… or a “Friend”?

Posted on: 02/22/11 10:12 AM | by Jonathan McKee

Friend, or parent? Which is it?

In my last blog I highlighted the GQ interview of Billy Ray Cyrus, Mr. Hannah Montana’s Achy Broken Heart. an insightful article, really. I mentioned that the article contained some great pieces of this interview worth discussing.

TWO OBSERVATIONS FOR DISCUSSION- PART II: (Click here for Part I)

2. Friend vs. Parent

Part II is more of a discussion for parents to have with other parents (as opposed to Part I, which was a discussion that parents could use with their kids). I find this article particularly timely because last week, the day I read this Billy Ray interview, I had just finished blogging about our kids perspective and the balance between rules and a relationship. In that blog I brought up the fact that we need to listen to our kids, but at the same time know when to put our foot down and say, “Sorry, you’re not going to do that.”

Billy ray seems to be regretting his approach to parenting as he looks back with 20/20 vision. Here’s an excerpt from the GQ interview, where Billy Ray is wondering whether his lack of discipline was a mistake:

“How many interviews did I give and say, ‘You know what’s important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids’? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, ‘You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.’ Well, I’m the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, ‘Enough is enough—it’s getting dangerous and somebody’s going to get hurt.’ I should have, but I didn’t. Honestly, I didn’t know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere.”
(GQ.com, Mr. Hannah Montana’s Achy Broken Heart, by Chris Heath, Page 3)

What do you think? Is Billy right? “You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.”

My quick take:

We always need to be ready to “be the parent” and be willing to put our foot down, even if it means sacrificing a little in popularity points with our kids. But, please. Don’t use this to swing so far to the polar opposite side of the spectrum so that we are never relational with our kids– talking, laughing, joking. It doesn’t have to be “either/or.” It can be “both/and.” You can be a parent, and still invest in your kids relationally.

Last week in a youth ministry interview I was asked:

“In your book Connect you talk a lot about getting to know kids on a one-on-one basis. Do you believe it’s possible to become so connected with students that they see you more as a peer and you lose your influence in their lives?”

My response- edited for brevity:

I think parents struggle with this as well. “If I spend too much time being their buddy, will I not be seen as their parent?”

I wonder if Christ was accused of that when he descended to earth to become human.

There’s no danger in humbling yourself to be relational- to listen, to laugh, to play. The only danger would be if you lower your standards and try to be something you’re not, or allow yourself to do something inappropriate in effort to “be accepted.” This is a twisting of a good thing. There’s never anything wrong with a coach, a parent, a teacher, or a youth worker spending time listening to a kid share their heart…throwing a Frisbee… cheering together at a football game… laughing through a comedy. I bet more kids wish their dads would be there to do these activities. These activities actually earn trust and help the kid respect dad, or coach, or pastor Jason when he has to put the foot down and say, “Sorry, but you’re not going to do that.”

This is a balance we talk about in much greater detail in my parent workshops.

What about you? Where are you with Billy Ray’s statement: “You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.”

Posted in Discussion Ideas, Family, Parenting | | Leave A Comment

Billy Ray’s Hindsight

Posted on: 02/18/11 12:06 PM | by Jonathan McKee

My mom always told me, “Hindsight is 20/20.

Billy Ray is starting to see clearly in retrospection… and his heart is aching.

Yesterday I read the GQ interview of Billy Ray Cyrus, Mr. Hannah Montana’s Achy Broken Heart. a fantastic article. It really made me feel compassion for the guy. Some great pieces of this interview worth discussing with our kids. (Funny, I read this interview just after blogging about parenting yesterday where I briefly touched on some of these issues.)

TWO OBSERVATIONS FOR DISCUSSION: (I’ll highlight one today, and one in my next blog)

1. The Highway to Darkness

This excerpt of the article (edited down a little by me below) is an amazing discussion springboard about how we need to be careful what we pursue and who we surround ourselves with:

When they first came to Hollywood for Hannah Montana, the two of them would drive down the freeway together to the studio each morning, and every day Miley would point out the sign that said

ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY
ATHEISTS UNITED

Just before moving out to Los Angeles, the whole family had been baptized together by their pastor at the People’s Church in Franklin, Tennessee. “It was Tish’s idea,” he (Billy Ray) remembers. “She said, ‘We’re going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we’re all going to be baptized…'” And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. “A physical sign. It could have easily said ‘You will now be attacked by Satan.’ ‘Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness…'”

And do you see the show as a big part of what has made things not work in your family?

“Oh, it’s huge—it destroyed my family…

Do you wish Hannah Montana had never happened?

“I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I’d take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just be everybody okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I’d erase it all in a second if I could.”
(GQ.com, Mr. Hannah Montana’s Achy Broken Heart, by Chris Heath, Page 5)

Here are some quick questions– of the top of my head– to ask our kids after reading this:

1. What signs do you see that might be warnings of temptations or influences to avoid?

2. Miley’s mom Tish predicted that they were going to be under attack– what did she do to prepare for attack? Is there something magical about baptism? (Or is baptism, perhaps, a sign of allowing Christ to direct us and clean us spiritually?)

3. Why do you think Billy Ray is regretting the path the family took? (Some of his regrets are detailed in other parts of the interview)

4. What do you think a family can do in this “dark” world to be prepared for temptations we’ll face?

Read Romans 12:1,2.

5. What does this passage say to not be conformed to?

6. How does this passage say we are to be transformed?

7. What can we do to better allow God to transform our minds? What are some of the distractions we might need to unplug from our head? What might we need to put into our head more?

Posted in Discussion Ideas, Entertainment Media, Parenting | | Leave A Comment

Parenting- from a High School Girl’s Perspective

Posted on: 02/17/11 10:00 AM | by Jonathan McKee

Last Saturday I was preparing to teach a 4 hour parent workshop in a small church in Antelope, CA when a high school girl came Kaitlyn walked up to me with her friend and said, “Are you the guy that’s going to be training our parents?”

How’s that for a loaded question?

I smiled and said, “Yep, that’s me. Got any suggestions?”

She said, “As a matter of fact, I wrote a list of things that you should address.” She returned the smile and handed me a sheet of paper with 7 points handwritten in blue pen.

I quickly looked over her 7 pieces of advice for parents and asked her, “Can we look at some of these right now?” Kaitlyn agreed.

I read #1 out loud:

1. Do not wake up kids anytime before 9AM on Saturday.

My eyes looked up at her from her list, “What time did they wake you up this morning?”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “8 AM.”

I nodded disapprovingly. “Sinful! Every parent should know better than that. Let’s look at #2.”

2. Do not talk down to their kids.

I asked Kaitlyn. Give me an example.

Without hesitation, Kaitlyn’s friend blurted out, “Why aren’t you ever home! Why don’t you do your chores!”

With equal speed I inquired back, “Do you do your chores? Are you ever home?”

“Yes, and no.” She replied candidly. “Sometimes I do my chores, but I don’t want to be home because they’re always yelling at me.”

“Hmmmmm.” I stroked my chin. “So how do you wish they’d communicate with you when you don’t do what you’re supposed to?”

Kaitlyn interjected, “They can talk with me like I’m an adult you know!”

The conversation went on for about 5 minutes as people were finishing setup for the workshop. It was a fun interaction. The encounter with Kaitlyn and her friend kept the “teenage perspective” fresh in my mind, warming me up for the parenting workshop.

A few hours into the workshop I read Kaitlyn’s list to the parents and we talked about some of them. One thing we noticed was an underlying desire for conversation rather than overreaction. And her point #7 surprised many of the parents- a call for consistancy from us in discipline. I addressed both of these issues in the workshop.

Here’s her entire list- exactly as written by Kaitlyn.

1. Do not wake up kids anytime before 9:00 AM on Saturday.

2. Do not talk down to your kids.

3. Grounding does not work.

4. Your family is a team, not a government.

5. Ask God for help when you need it.

6. Don’t argue with your kids. Discuss, and assist the situation.

7. Stay firm to what you say.

I love Kaitlyn’s aspiration for conversation. Yes, I wouldn’t agree with everything Kaitlyn said here, but the point is… this is her perspective. This is what she’s feeling. There’s a lot to learn here.

A few months ago my daughter Alyssa was really frustrated with me because I wouldn’t let her go somewhere with her friends. She ended up stomping off, calling me unfair and marching to her room. A half hour later I talked with her about the situation. I asked her to do something. I gave her a piece of paper and told her to write out, “I wish my dad would just…” and write as many of those as she wanted. I told her, “Tomorrow, when we go out for breakfast, I’ll listen to each one of these.” (We go out to breakfast once a week- just me and Lyssy)

I actually describe the whole incident in my upcoming parenting book so I won’t spoil it here. But it was a fantastic conversation. She expressed things to me that I needed to hear. And, after I truly listened to her feelings, she readily accepted where I had to put the foot down and just say, “Sorry, you’re not going to do that.”

It was really a landmark moment in our relationship. And it started with me truly listening to her perspective.

I look forward to talking more on this subject to many of you in my parent workshops at your churches this year.

What do you notice from Kaitlyn’s list?

What can you do to better hear your kids’ perspective?

Posted in Discussion Ideas, Family, Parenting, Personal, Youth Ministry Philosophy | | Leave A Comment

Parent Seminars

Posted on: 02/8/11 3:45 PM | by Jonathan McKee

I just got to see a copy of the final edit of my upcoming book, Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent. Standard Publishing did a great job with it. It’s off to the printer now and will be on the racks March 31st.

I received some great endorsements from other authors and speakers in the field. Here’s what Dr. Kevin Leman said:

Jonathan—imperfect parent that he is—shows you how to truly connect with your kid. He brings research and experience and delivers with amazing storytelling and humor.
— Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday

I’ll share with you some more as the book gets closer.

The timing is good… I’m starting to do a lot more parenting workshops. This weekend I do one at a church in my area. I’ll be teaching for four hours. I’ll spend the first hour or so talking about today’s youth culture and what our kids are learning from the media, then I’ll spend the rest of the time talking about how parents can build relationships and teach lasting values. (Click here if you’re within driving distance of the Sacramento area and would like to attend).

Here’s the official blurb about the seminar:

This seminar encourages parents that they CAN make a difference in the lives of their kids, and equips them to do just that. Jonathan gives us a glimpse into the highly sexualized world of youth culture and exposes the media messages your kids are immersing themselves with. Learn how to filter these influences and teach our kids discernment. Discover how to build lasting values and glean a few ideas that will help you open the channels of communication in your house.

You can find more on our TheSource4Parents Workshop page.

Posted in Books, Parenting, Speaking/Training | | Leave A Comment