Too Strict or Too Lenient

Posted on: 01/16/12 1:30 PM | by Jonathan McKee

One of the questions I am probably asked the most frequently after my parenting workshops is, “How I do I know if I’m being too strict… or too lenient.”

We’ve all thought it; sometimes it’s just hard to find the balance of where to land. (It’s something I’ve blogged about before–5 Principles Parents Should Remember When Setting the Bar).

I constantly come across articles and studies on each polar extreme. “Exert control over your children’s media choices.” No… “you might not be helping your kid when you try to control everything your kid sees, plays, and listens to.”

Who are we to believe?

Is there a balance?

A few days ago Psychology Today posted an article by Peter Gray, research professor of psychology at Boston College, encouraging parents to think twice before limiting your kids’ screen time and video game play. Gray is pretty confident in kids’ abilities to make good choices about how to use their free time, especially when they’re given the freedom to play and explore in lots of different ways. Gray contends:

It is always a mistake, I think, to tell kids what they must or must not do, except in those cases where you are telling them that they must do their share of the chores around the house or must not do things that hurt you or other people. Whenever we prevent our kids from playing or exploring in the ways they prefer, we place another brick in a barrier between them and us. We are saying, in essence, “I don’t trust you to control your own life.” Children are suffering today not from too much computer play or too much screen time. They are suffering from too much adult control over their lives and not enough freedom.

Gray’s article isn’t just talking about computer time, he includes TV watching in his list of activities that parents should consider not limiting, despite what some experts say. He provides a personal example:

I know well a kid who, for years, spent hours per day watching television shows that I thought were really disgustingly dumb; but, over time, I discovered that she was getting a lot out of them. They were making her think in new ways. She understood all the ways in which the shows were dumb, at least as well as I did; but she also saw ways in which they were smart, and she analyzed them and learned from them

He goes on to argue that parents shouldn’t limit reading, computer time, video game time and other activities. (I encourage you to read the entire article, even if you don’t agree with it)

Is Gray right? Or is this kind of thinking like the report I shared in Chapter 3 of my parenting book about the lenient parenting styles in the Netherlands, where parents often allow their teenage girls to have boyfriends spend the night in their bedrooms. Seem crazy? Then why are U.S. teen birthrates 8 times higher than the Netherlands?

Let me quickly insert, I don’t agree with these lenient parenting styles, but I include this kind of research in my reading frequently to see if there are any nuggets of truth we can learn from them. For example, in that Netherlands report that I noted in my book, the channels of communication seemed to be extremely open between parents and teenagers.

The question is, can we have good relationships with our kids without turning into a “yes” man? (“Yes, you can play video games as long as you want.” “Yes, you can go to bed when you want.“ “Yes, you can have your boyfriend spend the night.”)

At what point does leniency become advocacy of harmful activities?

So what do you think?
Is Gray right?

Should we be concerned about these “bricks” we place as a barrier between our kids and us when we prevent them from playing the way they prefer? (At what point are we trying too hard to be friend, instead of parent?)

Where do we draw the line? (What if my kid wants to play the new Zelda game on Wii for 9 hours on a Saturday? What if they want to play Grand Theft Auto? At what point do we know if we meet Gray’s definition of “things that hurt you or other people”?)

Should there be a limit to screen time? (in other words, do you agree with Gray- who says “no limit,” or the American Academy of Pediatrics who says, “yes- set limits.”)

Dad, You Aren’t Funny!

Posted on: 01/12/12 11:09 AM | by Jonathan McKee

I heard it again yesterday when I dropped off Ashley at school. I made a quick joke, that years ago would have had her in hysterics, but now… she just looks at me expressionless and says those words that I hear so frequently, “Dad, you aren’t funny.”

Is this true? What ever happened to my little Daddy’s Girl that used to laugh at every joke I ever said… even the lame ones? Did I lose the funny-gene somewhere after age 40? Around my own kids I feel like Bruno Kirby’s pathetic character in the movie, Good Morning Vietnam, who couldn’t face the fact that he wasn’t funny, and simply responded, “Sir, in my heart, I know I’m funny.”

As a guy who speaks for a living, it’s difficult when your toughest audience is your youngest daughter. I have no problem getting a whole sanctuary full of adults laughing, and whole campgrounds full of teenagers rolling on the floor. But Ashley now? I might get a chuckle one in five jokes.

At what point do parents cease being funny and cool?

In my house, it hit when my kids reached about 8th grade and it lasted well into their sophomore year. With my two oldest, Alec and Alyssa, they returned from “the darkness” (that’s what we call it in my house—the time when teenagers are just emotional, whiny brats that no one can please, no matter what you do) after just a couple years. But oooooooooh… those were grim years! I remember my little Ashley, back then, observing her older siblings’ antics and saying, “Dad, I’m not going to be like that, am I?”

And I would always plead with her, “No Ashley. Please don’t ever go to the dark side!”

But then it just happened! I heard about it from plenty of my friends and I read it in hundreds of parenting books. “One day your teenagers won’t want you around as much.”

I didn’t believe it. I thought, Not me! This is only something that boring parents experience. I’m fun! I’m funny! (Did I just type that out loud?)

But it happened, literally overnight. One day I just wasn’t funny anymore.

The other morning when I couldn’t get Ashley to laugh, I did the rookie mistake and tried harder. I was reaching deep in the bowels of my humor vault, finally resorting to some good ol’ fart humor. When in doubt, fart humor has always worked with Ashley.

Not even a chuckle.

Silent, but deadly.

In all seriousness, having teenagers of my own has been a learning experience. Each one has been different, but at the same time, they’ve gone through similar stages. Luckily “the dark side,” as we call it in my house, has only lasted about 2 years for each of my kids.

Sigh. Two years of not being funny.

I’m willing to wait. But, “In my heart, I know I’m funny!”

What about you?
Am I alone?

If you’re a parent of teenagers, did this happen to you?

Have you, like me, learned that the best thing to do is, not try?

R U Listening?

Posted on: 01/8/12 5:27 PM | by Jonathan McKee

Some of you have already been hearing the buzz about our brand new YouTube videos for parents, R U Listening?

Last Thursday night we officially launched both the YouTube page and Facebook page, uploading two new videos by Friday morning. (Be sure and jump on the Facebook page today and “LIKE” us.)

The purpose is simple. We want to provide a resource where parents can listen to the felt needs of teenagers today, and think about healthy responses. My daughter Ashley hosts the show, sharing a teenage perspective, then each week we’ll hear responses from some parenting speaker and authors.

You’ll see an intro video called WATCH THIS FIRST, then we already released our first video in the series, with my response to a teenager named Natalie in Cincinnati who raises a good question about a double standard she perceives in her home. Here’s the first video:

I’m loving the potential for this resource for two reasons:

  1. Parents love tools that help them better understand young people today, and “R U Listening” provides a very honest teenage perspective, also providing some healthy way to respond.
  2. Each little video is only two to three minutes long. Parents want help, but they are busy! It’s nice how quick and accessible this resource is.

Help me spread the word to parents in your church and community. Jump on our www.Facebook.com/TheSource4Parents page and “LIKE” us today. Then ask your parents… R U Listening?

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Backtalking to Mom Should Be Rewarded?

Posted on: 01/4/12 6:53 PM | by Jonathan McKee

“I thought I told you to clean your room.”

“You did tell me that, and here’s why I didn’t…”

How many of you are already taking off your belt to teach this kid a thing or two? At first glance, this kind of talk from your kids might seem disrespectful, or as some of us call it, “backtalk.” But what if I told you, allowing this kind of talk can not only open doors for healthy conversations, but it can help your kids learn to say ‘no’ to drugs or alcohol.

Don’t worry, I’m not advocating letting our kids disrespect their parents. I’m advocating allowing our kids to respectfully speak their minds. Kids who can calm and confidently disagree with their parents are actually 40 percent more likely to say ‘no’ to drugs or alcohol than kids who didn’t argue.

Sound crazy?

The study was done by the University of Virginia and they published their findings in the journal, Child Development, in December 2011. Dr. Joseph P. Allen studied 157 13-year-olds, videotaping them describing their biggest disagreements with their parents. Some parents just laughed and rolled their eyes when they watched these videos. But the parents who wanted to talk with their kids about what they heard were the ones that Allen described as “on the right track.” The parents who allowed their kids to dialogue with them gave their kids practice handling disagreements.

NPR’s health blog tells us more about the study:

Allen interviewed the teens again at ages 15 and 16. “The teens who learned to be calm and confident and persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers,” he says. They were able to confidently disagree, saying ‘no’ when offered alcohol or drugs. In fact, they were 40 percent more likely to say ‘no’ than kids who didn’t argue with their parents.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from teenagers is that their parents don’t listen. That’s one of the biggest reasons we are launching TheSource4Parents.com’s new YouTube and Facebook page, R U Listening. Each week we’ll be posting a video where we listen to the felt needs of a student and discuss appropriate responses.

What if the parent at the beginning of this article didn’t take time to actually listen to their kid?

Maybe we should listen to the rest of the story:

“I thought I told you to clean your room.”

“You did tell me that, and here’s why I didn’t do it yet. You also told me to feed the dog and finish studying for my SAT test. Molly looked hungry, so I fed her first. Then I went straight to studying because I figured that was the most important. When I finish studying in about 15 minutes, I’ll get straight to cleaning my room. Is that okay?

Gulp.

Let’s be realistic. This probably doesn’t happen too often. Some of us might experience much more flawed logic from our kids like this:

“I thought I told you to clean your room.”

“You did tell me that, and here’s why I didn’t. I got a phone call from Taylor and he really needed to talk. So I talked with him, and he wanted me to check out this Facebook post that Chelsea put up about him. While I was checking that, I noticed that Jake was FBO with Katy, and you know how much she hates me, so…

Does this sound more like your kid?

Here’s a situation where parents can rise up and respond back to their kids in a manner that corrects gently, still keeping the doors open for future discussion. Sometimes this is easier said than done. Sometimes we tell ourselves that yelling just works better. But wouldn’t it be better to keep the channels of communication open? They’re pretty easy to slam. Besides, when we give our kids the gift of letting them be heard, we can do one better than just getting them to clean their room… we can teach them to articulate themselves and stand up for what they believe.

The NPR article linked above contends, “effective arguing acted as something of an inoculation against negative peer pressure.”

That probably makes a lot of us think twice about simply responding, “Just shut up and clean your room!”

Ashley Just Wants Time

Posted on: 12/22/11 6:34 PM | by Jonathan McKee

Today I walked up into my home office with expectations of working until noon and then hanging out with my kids for the rest of the day. Time got away from me. At 3:30, Ashley came in my office, “Dad, are you almost done?”

I apologized. “I’m almost done baby. Just a few more minutes.”

She left my office, head hanging low.

Next thing I know, I hear her giggling in the hallway and something rustles the carpet by my chair. I peel my eyes away from my computer for a second to see a plate of cookies by my office chair… wiggling oh so slightly. On closer examination I see a string tied to the plate of cookies. I follow the string to the hallway where Ashley is slowly tugging on the other end trying to draw me out of the office with the cookie-bait!

It’s just so “Ashley.”

The fact is, Ashley just wanted some time with me. Forget any other present under the tree… time has the most value. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to let those few hours pass by.

Are you giving your family the present of “time” this Christmas? Or do they have to drag you away from work with a plate of cookies? Think about it. Five years from now are you going to look back and wish you spent more time in the office… or more time with your kids?

Don’t forget what’s important this Christmas.

Merry Christmas, from my house to yours. (Gotta go. Ashley wants me to watch Home Alone II with her.)

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The Four Minute Mule

Posted on: 12/1/11 10:36 AM | by Jonathan McKee

Last night we had to attend an award ceremony for my daughter Ashley’s cross country team. It was fun for the first 30 minutes, it was great hearing the coach talk about Ashley… but by the 3 hour mark…

Yes… over 3 hours long!

Wholy shamoli! Who wants to sit on a cafeteria bench for over three hours? I’ve attended life-insurance conventions that were more bearable.

At about the 90 minute mark, my 16-year-old, Alyssa, and I started playing with our phones. Alyssa grabbed Lori’s iPhone and I immediately texted her, knowing that Lori always forgets to put the thing on silent. The phone made a loud “DING,” a couple hundred heads turned toward Alyssa, and her face turned about 4 shades of red.

(I’ve been known to act like a junior higher.)

Time passed and we were searching for anything to entertain ourselves. We Google searched various topics, looking for anything to help pass time. One of the coaches on Ashley’s team has broken the four minute mile. That’s amazing, by the way! So I tried to type in a search for “breaking the 4 minute mile.” Instead I accidentally typed:

“Breaking the 4 minute mule”

Maybe it was the timing… but Alyssa and I started a laughing fit and couldn’t stop.

Sigh. Good times.

I bet you never realized how interesting mules actually are? Ask me… I know plenty now. Did you know that right now wild burros are wreaking havoc on Texas? Seriously!

Yeah… 3 freaking hours long!

I love my daughters… but please…. please… don’t make me go to another 3 hour long award ceremony!!!

Cat Fights

Posted on: 11/29/11 4:59 PM | by Jonathan McKee

Do you have teenage girls living in your house?

Can you say… cat fight?

About a year ago my daughters wanted to move into the same room together. They had some friends at church who did it and they actually thought it was admirable how close those sisters were. Long story short– I knocked out a wall, bought bunk beds… and shazaam! They’ve been together since.

Overall it’s been a good experience. My girls are pretty close, as sisters go. But there’s something to be said about the consistent petty little disagreements.

“Alyssa, did you set the alarm?”

“No, you always set it.”

“Exactly. Why don’t you set it for once.”

“Because you don’t like the way I set it, so I let you do it.”

“But I’m in the top bunk… you’re right there!”

“Sorry. Your job!”

Seriously?

I just blogged about this whole dynamic and how parents should respond in my DAD OF TEENAGE GIRLS blog.

Watching The Help

Posted on: 11/28/11 4:18 PM | by Jonathan McKee

The last 5 days provided several times to sit down together on the family couch and watch a lil bit of cinematic entertainment. The highlight of the weekend was definitely the film based on the best selling novel, The Help (I was sent a copy to review). Probably one of the best films I’ve seen in 2011.

This last week was one of the few years that we didn’t travel anywhere over the Thanksgiving holiday—kind of a nice change. Instead, we lit a fire, hung out with family, ate turkey, hauled out the Christmas decorations… and when we tired of all of that, we watched movies! I’ll be honest. When everyone asked, “What should we watch?” The Help was not my first vote. Alec and I, being men, had our eyes on something a little more manly (something with bullets, explosions… maybe even a few zombies…), but being outnumbered by the females in the living room, we consented on watching The Help.

10 minutes into the film Alec and I looked at each other, giving the “not bad” nod. By 15 minutes we were hooked!

The Help is funny, gripping and inspiring all the same.

We all loved it. I haven’t read the book, but my wife and my youngest daughter have. The two of them kept commenting about how the book went into a lot more detail (as books always do), but loved the film as well. I’m curious to read the book now.

The performances were spectacular. Emma Stone really proved herself as “Skeeter,” as did Viola Davis as “Aibileen.” But I think I was most impressed with two other actresses, the first being Bryce Dallas Howard (Ron Howard’s daughter).

It was probably difficult for Bryce to take on the role of the mean-spirited… scratch that… racist pig, Hilly Holbrook. Bryce was amazingly despicable. Bryce has so much range that I hardly recognize her in many films. I think I first noticed her as the blind Ivy Walker in M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village in 2004. M. Night must have loved her too, because he used her again for the lead role in Lady in the Water in 2006. A year later, I hardly recognized Bryce as the blonde heartthrob who Spiderman ends up saving from falling to her death in Spiderman 3… and that’s just it… she’s always completely different, and utterly convincing.

The second actress that wowed me was no-name Octavia Spencer in her role of Minny Jackson. Most people won’t recognize Octavia other than some teenagers who might remember her as the nurse in Halloween II or the “troubled woman” in The Soloist. But now, everyone will remember her as Minny Jackson. Minny was the icing on the cake in The Help.

I loved the film, my family loved it, and our movie review guy Todd loved it in his review of the film a few months ago (complete with discussion questions).

If you haven’t seen it, the DVD/BluRay will be released on December 6th. This is definitely one to watch with the whole family. (Be warned, there is one scene where someone uses the word “sh*t” literally in reverence to fecal matter in a comical way. It is referred to a couple times throughout the film. If you have young children that like to repeat things they hear, use discretion.)

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A Peek into Youth Culture… and a New Free Resource

Posted on: 11/15/11 1:45 PM | by Jonathan McKee

As I’m putting the finishing touches on several workshops I’m teaching this weekend (in two different cities), I’m starting to notice one common denominator in every session: understanding youth culture. I’m even teaching one workshop titled, Youth Culture Window.

Let me go on record to clear up any confusion: understanding youth culture is not the most important practice in parenting and youth ministry… but connecting with our teenagers is! And you’ll find that understanding the world of teenagers is a key step to connecting with teenagers.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from teenagers today is, “Adults have no clue what it’s like to be a teenager today.”

And they’re right.

So what should we do? Should we buy all our clothes at Abercrombie or Hollister and try to talk in the most current slang?

Not even close.

Should we download all the latest Lil Wayne and Lady Gaga songs and listen to them day and night?

Please don’t.

We don’t have to start watching Jersey Shore to get current. But we do need to seek to understand the world our teenagers live in. The experts are quite clear on the matter. After the researchers from the Kaiser Foundation completed their huge media survey examining the media habits of young people, they pleaded that parents pay full attention to something that takes up this much time in the lives of young people. The Pediatrics official journal, in their 2009 report on Music, Lyrics and Music Videos, concluded that parents, often unaware of lyrics, etc., should become media literate, setting boundaries and even taking a stand regarding music lyrics. In my parent workshops I plead with parents to do the same. I even talk about how current popular songs might serve as springboards for discussion.

Do you know what your kids are watching and listening to?

A NEW FREE RESOURCE
Adults need to put forth a little bit of effort into entering the world of youth culture. That’s why I just added yet another resource to help you do that on our www.TheSource4Parents.com site this week—an “Offsite Articles” window that provides parents with links to the articles I’m reading throughout the week.

For years I’ve been constantly trying to keep parents and youth workers updated with the latest research, trends and media messages that young people are absorbing through every pore. Our Youth Culture Window articles, like this week’s article, Social Media Mania are a great source for these updates. This blog is another. And now, as of this past weekend, my web guy posted something we brainstormed months ago—a way of sharing my research with you.

Check it out for yourselves, it’s yet another reason that parents and youth workers will want to frequent www.TheSource4Parents.com.  On any given day you’ll be able to peek at this new “Offsite Articles Jonathan Has Read This Week” box on our front page and see if any of the subjects grab your interest. The box displays the 7 most recent articles I’ve read, and provides a link to an archive of all the articles (starting last week). As I write this, if you pop on www.TheSource4Parents.com right now, you’ll find articles about the highly anticipated Hunger Games movie, parents lying to get underaged kids on Facebook, Teens and Sleep, Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction and more.

I hope this is yet another free resource that helps you understand the world of youth culture, connect with teenagers where they are at and engage meaningful conversations.

Glee Goes All the Way… Again

Posted on: 11/10/11 12:30 PM | by Jonathan McKee

This week Doug Fields posted an article of mine on his blog encouraging parents to use the “pause button,” the “fast forward button”… and even the “off button” on their TV remotes as they co-view media with kids. Which button does Fox’s Glee require?

This week Glee featured two of the show’s teenage couples each losing their virginity, a homosexual couple (Kurt and Blaine), and a heterosexual couple (Finn and Rachel).

Parents that took time to even notice the show’s content this week are debating the appropriateness. The PTC is outraged (as always), and articles are beginning to emerge asking relevant questions, like this article from Time, What Teen Sex on Glee Really Teaches Kids.

This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Glee address the subject of teenagers losing their virginity. In the 15th episode of Season One, an episode titled “The Power of Madonna,” Glee introduced the same scenario when three couples faced the decision to lose their virginity (the episode was watched by 12.98 million American viewers and was critically acclaimed). After a dream sequence performance of Madonna’s Like a Virgin, two of these teenagers took the plunge and “went all the way” (Finn and Santana), while others didn’t (Rachel, for example).

At this point some parents began questioning whether Glee was appropriate viewing for teens and tweens. Instead of giving a dogmatic stamp of approval or disapproval, I responded with a rather detailed Youth Culture Window article, To Glee or not to Glee, encouraging parents to think biblically about Glee and look for biblical guidance.

Interestingly enough… parents continued to ask me, “Do you let your kids watch Glee?”

That’s a great question.

I’ll be honest. I don’t usually like to tell parents, “Let your kids watch SHOW A, but don’t let your kids watch SHOW B!” This robs parents the opportunity to teach discernment and robs kids the opportunity of learning to discern for themselves.

Yes, there are some shows that clearly necessitate the “off button,” shows like Jersey Shore and Two and a Half Men. But discernment isn’t always that easy. What about shows like American Idol? (a question I asked in the article Doug posted)

Ever since Little House on the Prairie left prime time, teaching discernment has grown a little more difficult during family hour on television. In a world where Two and a Half Men is repeatedly the #1 show of the week, and Jersey Shore is the #1 cable show, caring parents are hard-pressed to find anything appropriate to watch with their kids.

Sadly, I see two polar extremes rise to the surface:

  • The Overly-Permissive Parent—this mom let’s her kids do anything, watch anything, stay out as late as they want… after all, they’ve gotta grow up sometime! “If you’re gonna drink with your friends, do it here! Then at least you’ll be safe!” These kids don’t just watch Jersey Shore, they watch the sexually explicit and gratuitously violent True Blood on HBO. These kids never learn to discern; they are taught the subtle message that “everything’s okay.”
  • The Puritanistic Parent—this mom doesn’t let her kids do anything! No TV, no music (“especially not that Contemporary Christian… the devil’s music!), skirts will go down past the ankles, after all, “This isn’t the house of Jezebel!” These kids don’t watch anything at home… they sneak to their friends houses to watch it! (I listen to the complaints of these kids all the time at camps and conferences across the country!) The puritanistic parent never teaches their kids to discern. They hope that protecting them from the world will save them from it. Sadly, when these kids turn 18, they often rebel and “sew their wild oats.”

Do we have to gravitate toward either of these extremes?

Funny… after Doug posted my article about parents using the remote, we started to see comments and receive emails from parents saying, “Kids are gonna watch what they’re gonna watch!” And then from the opposite end of the spectrum… “The TV stays off at our house!!!”

Are these really our only two choices?

It’s growingly difficult to teach our kids positive media decisions today, and shows like Glee really put the pressure on parents. Young people love the show and hear about it around every corner. After all, it’s very well done and it speaks to their world. Heck… adults love the show! The guest stars are usually a big draw, the writing is compelling and the music is usually amazing. It was the number two show at the 8 o’clock hour again this last Tuesday night. Let’s be honest. It’s difficult to be the only parent at the PTA meeting that doesn’t let their kids watch the show.

So do I cave and let my kids watch it?

Last year, during the writing of my first article, To Glee or Not to Glee, I watched the whole season in about one week’s time (I don’t like to write about something I haven’t seen first hand). During that week my girls would walk in and say, “Oh wow! Is this Glee?!! Can I watch it with you!” I never said “no” to them during that week. We probably watched at least three or four episodes together, often hitting the pause button to dialogue about what we saw.

When Season 2 began, I watched a couple episodes with my wife, curious of the direction that the show would go.

Yes… my kids and I had some great discussions about some of those Season One episodes. Yes, co-viewing media with our kids is a very good practice… but where is the line? Should I rent all the American Pie films and co-view those with my kids?

I’ll make an exception this time and tell you what I decided with Glee. This doesn’t mean it’s the right answer, I’m sure opinions will vary, I can’t even say I’m always consistent…. but as for me, Glee gets the “off button” in our house.

What about you?
What have you decided about Glee?

How do you set realistic guidelines while still preparing our kids for real-world decisions when they’re on their own?