The Messy Morality of Stripping

Posted on: 06/26/12 11:29 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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He’s a stripper, but he’s a good stripper, so that’s okay. Actually, all these strippers are stripping for a cause. That’s good… right?

Pardon my alliteration, but teaching truth to today’s teenagers tends to be tricky! If young people are shaping their morality from the media… we’re all in big trouble. Let’s face it: the world’s standards aren’t good; but they aren’t all bad either. For a lack of a better term… they’re messy. And when young people soak in an average of 7.5 hours a day of entertainment media, that makes you wonder what kind of morality they’re developing.

Look at the messy morality surrounding the new movie Magic Mike coming out this Friday, June 29th, a film loosely based on actor Channing Tatum’s former life as a 19-year-old stripper in Florida. The movie has been promoted heavily by MTV, the hub of youth culture. They’re promoting it with the following description: “A male stripper (Channing Tatum) takes a newcomer (Alex Pettyfer) under his wing and instructs him in the fine arts of partying, picking up women, and making plenty of money.”
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3 Costly Teenage Risky Behaviors

Posted on: 06/11/12 1:34 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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Are today’s teenagers engaging in more risky behaviors than before?

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) actually produces a bi-annual report that looks for these answers, analyzing teenage risky behaviors like sexual activity, smoking, drinking, fighting, driving without seatbelts, etc. Last week their brand new report with 2011 numbers was released.

Want to know the bottom line?

Good luck. It really depends whose headlines you read. The CDC press release about the report is actually titled, U.S. High School Students Improve Motor Vehicle-related Health Behaviors. And sure enough, more kids are wearing seatbelts, less are drinking and driving, or riding with a driver who has been drinking. But are those the main risky behaviors teenagers are engaging in?

What risky behaviors concern you? Last night my daughter Alyssa began asking me random questions off a questionnaire on her Pinterest page, questions like: What are your 3 biggest fears? or What makes you happy? What started as just Alyssa and I, ended up being my entire family laying around the couch answering Alyssa’s questions. Ashley, my 14-year-old caught my attention with one of her answers to, “What makes you happy?” One of Ashley’s answers was, “When I’m doing something crazy!”

I was a little nervous until she started expanding on her answer, talking about more extreme sport type activities. I guess everyone has different definitions of “risky” or “crazy.”

3 Risky Behaviors:
When I read the report, I immediately was curious about three risky behaviors that I see affecting teenagers for the long-haul: marijuana use, drinking, and sexual activity. I’m not minimizing risky behaviors like bringing a weapon to school or even using hallucinogenic drugs. It’s just that in my 20 years of youth ministry, I’ve seen more pain, heartache and natural consequences from these three risky behaviors on mainstream teenagers than any others.

Here’s what this newest CDC report had to say about these three areas:

Sexual Activity:
Contrary to what the headlines have been saying the last six months, teenage sexual activity is up a notch.

Some of you might remember me bringing some headlines to your attention last October. In October the CDC released another report titled the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) report, revealing that only about 42% of American teenagers have had sex. Headlines immediately appeared claiming Young People Are Having Less Sex!

Is this true?

Unfortunately…not in the last decade.

Many of you probably remember a Youth Culture Window article I wrote titled, “Are Teenagers Really Having Less Sex?” In that article I cited other reports, including CDC’s past Youth Risk Behavior Reports, showing you a nice little chart revealing a decline from 1988 to 2001, then a “leveling off” since then. I told my co-workers. “Let’s wait until the new Youth Risk Behavior Report comes out from the CDC and we’ll see if teenage sexual activity is down.”

Well, the report came out last week, and the numbers aren’t down. The sexual activity headlines should basically be, “Almost Half of High School Students Having Sex.” Here’s a glimpse at these new numbers (the new 2012 report reveals 2011 numbers) compared to the last report two years ago (with 2009 numbers)

Download the entire report to see the breakdown of all grades, races and geographic locations for several different categories of sexual behaviors.

NOTE: The “confidence interval” that the CDC puts on this report is 95%. So these changes of 1% or so really aren’t statistically significant.

So basically, risky sexual behaviors haven’t really gone up or down. But hopefully the little bump up in numbers will at least silence the headlines that are claiming, “Teens are having less sex!” How come we don’t see a headline stating, 63% of teenagers will have sex by the time they walk across the stage to collect their high school diploma?

Marijuana Use:
Up a little more than a notch.

In short, the total amount of H.S. students who ever used marijuana in 2009 was 36.8%. The 2011 number is 39.9%.  But that’s just the young people who have ever tried it even once. How about current users- a number that reveals who has had marijuana even 30 days before the survey, usually indicating regular use. In 2009 this number was 20.8% for all H.S. students. In 2011 current users were 23.1%.

Yes, according to this report, sadly, almost 1/4th of H.S. students are using marijuana regularly. Other reputable reports showed even higher numbers than this. Last month the Partnership at Drugfree.org released a report revealing that 27% of H.S. students are “past-month” users of marijuana.

So somewhere between 23 and 27 percent of high school students are regular users. This isn’t good news. (Will we see that press release?)

Drinking:
Down a notch.

Drinking numbers are always interesting. CDC tracks “ever drank alcohol,” “current alcohol user,” and “binge drinking.” I don’t even pay attention to the “ever drank alcohol” numbers. After all, many parents will let their kid try a sip of wine at a wedding. Does that mean that kid is engaging in risky behaviors? Not even close. It just means that they’re Presbyterian!

In 2009 a total of 41.8% of high school students were “current users” (had a drink in the 30 days before the survey). Interestingly enough, that was 42.9% of females compared to 40.8% of males. In 2011 the number of current users dropped to 38.7% of high school students, with the genders flip-flopping— 37.9% of females and 39.5% of males.

In 2009, 24.2% of high school students currently engaged in binge drinking (5 or more drinks within a couple of hours within at least 30 days before the survey). Males were higher than females. In 2011 the number of high school students’ binge drinking shrank to 21.9% (males still higher than females).

The drop in overall current users of alcohol is statistically insignificant, but the drop in female current users is noteworthy (5%). The drop in binge drinking is also notable (over 2%).

I’m glad to see these numbers down a notch, although it’s hard for me celebrate when 4 out of every 10 high school students is a current drinker, and 1 in 5 is a binge drinker.

Drinking is one of those risky behaviors that have dire consequences. One Rutgers study following 437 young women from high school graduation through their freshman year of college, found two scary truths:

  1. Out of the young women who never drank heavily in high school (if at all), nearly half admitted to binge drinking at least once by the end of their first college semester.
  2. Of all the women whose biggest binge had included four to six drinks (5 drinks in one sitting is the definition for binge drinking), one quarter said they’d been sexually victimized in the fall semester (anything from unwanted contact to rape). Those women who ever consumed 10 or more drinks, 59% were sexually victimized by the end of their first semester.

I wonder if these girls think Katy Perry’s song, Last Friday Night is funny?

Drinking, Marijuana use and sexual activity are three behaviors that large percentages of our kids are engaging in… and they are facing the consequences.

What about you?
Are you talking with young people enough about decision making in these areas?

How can you engage young people in conversations, not lectures, about these areas?

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Who is Watching the MTV Movie Awards This Sunday and Why?

Posted on: 05/29/12 4:28 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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The MTV Movie Awards airs this Sunday night, a television event that is always over-the-top raunchy and irreverent, chock full of every celeb imaginable, and consequently, sure to attract enough teens and tweens to make it one of the most watched television events of the year.

I always find it interesting what young people are watching on TV. This isn’t the easiest information to find. Sure, you can pop on Nielsen’s website at any time and see the most popular shows that everyone are watching (usually with a few weeks time lag), both broadcast and cable, but this doesn’t tell you what teenagers specifially are watching? (or even young people 12-34, which is MTV’s target audience).

Every week my Twitter followers see me Tweet the link to an obscure site that, on Fridays, lists the Top 10 Combined Broadcast/Basic Cable shows among different age groups according to Disney from Nielsen Media Research Data. I always scroll down and peek at their list of top shows watched by Teens 12-17-years-old. During the Jersey Shore season, guaranteed this vulgar reality show will always be the #1 show across all of television watched by teens (usually followed by Family Guy, American Idol and a few others). Shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom are helping MTV maintain status as the top network watched by younger viewers. Such has been the case for years now.

Enter the MTV Movie Awards, stage left.

The Movie Awards has never been the powerhouse that its sister show has, The Video Music Awards (VMAs). The VMA’s effortlessly clinches the spot each year as the #1 cable telecast of the entire year watched by 12-34-year-olds—it easily dominated in 2011 with the cross-dressing Gaga at the helm. In short, the VMA’s are the Super Bowl of cable. But the MTV Movie Awards draw a pretty large crowd as well, especially for a summer telecast.

Last year the MTV Movie Awards had a huge night, with record numbers, becoming #3 of the top 5 cable telecasts of 2Q 2011, driving record traffic to MTV.com, and dominating social conversation between Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter.

Sadly, this popular show always offers plenty of content that is racy and vile, elements that, if parents were to actually watch the show with their kids, would surely prompt them to hit the OFF button. For example, last year’s lesbian sex scene where Natalie Portman’s panties were literally ripped off (MTV has mastered the trick of “showing sexual content without actually showing nudity”), or the year prior when Christina Aguilera sang a song about her genitals and the camera pushed in for a close up of her crotch at the end of the performance (I’m really not making this stuff up).

Each year the show also features performances or appearances by plenty of role models who really shouldn’t be role models. For example, Russel Brand is hosting (I probably don’t need to say any more there). And the ubiquitously “high” Wiz Khalifa is scheduled to perform Sunday…that is, if he can keep himself out of jail long enough (Khalifa was busted twice within 10 days for marijuana earlier this month). This, of course, is brushed off as no big deal by many. I guess the news would be really discouraging if pot smoking among teenagers has gone up lately.

Hmmmmmm.

So parents… make sure that your TVs are not tuned into MTV this Sunday night. Youth workers, you may want to put your own kids to bed and take a quick peek at the show just to see what millions of young people are absorbing.

Or, better yet, if you don’t want to watch it, you can wait for my article about the evening. You can catch our summary of last year’s MTV Movie Awards here, an annual gift that David and I wrote for you each year… a gift because then you don’t have to watch it! I’ll be writing this year’s article Sunday night and posting it for you next Monday on our Youth Culture Window page.

It’s sad. I love movies, and there are plenty of good family films this summer. Too bad a show “about movies” on the network most watched by young people has to be marinated in fecal matter.

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Olympic Athlete Talks Candidly about Virginity

Posted on: 05/24/12 12:33 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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I’ve heard a lot of Christian celebrities talk about virginity…but never so candidly.

I really like this video. I don’t know much about Olympic athlete Lolo Jones. I don’t know if she has a faith, or about many of the decisions she’s made (she actually has done a few photo shoots that are a little edgy and risque’). But she makes it clear in this video that she wants to wait until marriage for sex, why she thinks that’s smart, and how incredibly difficult it’s been. Pretty cool! Lolo did a great job with this interview, demonstrating a nice balance of humor and transparency.

Last week I blogged about talking to teenagers about sex, and one of my readers, Roger Brown, commented, linking this article and video.

For more about talking to teenagers about sex, jump on our TRAINING TOOLS page on our youth ministry site and scroll down to Shhhhh! Don’t Talk About Sex! and Telling Teenagers the Explicit Truth About Sex.

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Just Don’t Leave Any Evidence

Posted on: 05/21/12 3:34 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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It usually works like this. Mike and Stephanie are “a thing.” Their relationship is the talk of their high school. Mike convinces Stephanie to send him a picture of her wearing a thong…or less. Stephanie does, because, after all, that’s what guys like, right? What music video doesn’t have girls showing off their goods? That’s what girls are supposed to do!

A month later Mike and Stephanie break up. Angry, Mike shows the picture of Stephanie to a bunch of his friends. “Looks at what a slut she is!”

Within 4 hours Stephanie is sent her own photo by a friend. “Look what Mike is sending around.”

Stephanie is mortified. She wishes she would never have sent the photo.

“Well don’t worry Stephanie, have we got a solution for you!” (Enter cheesey music and graphics here!) “Just use the new iPhone app called SnapChat. ShapChat allows you to send a picture to your friends that only lasts a designated number of seconds…then it’s gone forever!”

I wish I was kidding. But SnapChat is quite real. Last week it was #12 on the free iOS photo app charts in the U.S. I tried the app to see how it works. Click a pic, choose how many seconds you want someone to see it, then send it to whoever you want. No accountability at all.

Isn’t it nice that, once again, we’re teaching young people the wrong lessons? Instead of teaching them to make the right choices in the first place, we’re teaching them, “Don’t leave any evidence of your bad choices.”

App creator Evan Spiegel denies that the app is for sexting, but readily admits that the app was partially inspired by the Anthony Weiner scandal (Weiner is the congressman that Tweeted photos helping him live up to his last name).

Hmmmm. So what is the app for?

Let me not lead you astray and try to convince you that the majority of teenagers are sending naughty pictures or sexual texts to each other. Not even close. As far as I can tell, about 4 percent of minors age 12-17 have sent these kind of messages, and about 15 percent have received them. When it comes to 18 and 19-year-olds, the percentages grow rapidly. Regardless of the numbers, when young people see the subject dealt with in the media today, what message are they hearing about choices and their consequences? Just don’t leave any evidence?

(If you’re curious about where all these “sexting” numbers came from, I encourage you to read this Youth Culture Window article I wrote a few years ago about the whole sexting hype, Fact or Fiction. Then you can read my blog about the Pew Research report that claims only 4% of teenagers age 12-17 have sent sexually suggestive, nude, or nearly nude images of themselves to someone else via text messaging, and my conversation with the report author Amanda Lenhart about her numbers.)

Equipping Teenagers to Make Decisions
What are we teaching our teenagers…or are we leaving that up to someone else? Do teenagers understand that choices have consequences? Can mistakes like this be covered up if we just take precautions and use slick little CYA tools like SnapChat?

In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t bring up SnapChat if I was talking to a youth group (unless it was an app that I saw the majority of my group using), but I would definitely talk about the concept of choices and their consequences. The subject of decision-making goes way beyond how we use our cell phones. At the same time, cell phone “mistakes” might be a good way to introduce the subject of decisions and their consequences.

Last week the Sydney Morning Herald ran an article titled, Teen Sext Haunts Man 7 Years Later. The story is about a young man’s impulsive decision to email two pictures of himself and his girlfriend having sex when they were 17. That quick decision still haunts the 24-year-old today, now a registered sex offender.

We wrote a discussion using the article as a springboard to talk about Galatians, Chapter 6 where it says, “You reap what you sow.” This free piece of curriculum on our website has small group questions, scripture and a wrap up, and is a great example of a tool to talk with teenagers about choices and their consequences.

What about you?
Have you had any personal experience with young people posting or sending something they regretted? How did you handle the situation?

How have you talked with teenagers about these issues?

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Spot On about Sex

Posted on: 05/15/12 2:59 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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A little while ago I devoted five days of this blog to talking about, “talking about sex”...in explicit detail. Simply put: youth workers and parents often neglect talking about this subject and our kids are forced to figure it out on their own.

I’ve been receiving amazing feedback since the launch of that blog series… much of it in the comments section that week. But it’s been interesting to continue to receive comments and emails from people that have taken my advice and actually talked with their kids about sex in explicit detail.

Here’s a recent email from Shona, a youth worker in NZ:

Dear Jonathon,

Just wanted to send you a note to say how much I appreciated your blogs on this topic. I am a youth Pastor in a church in NZ, a rather “old” one, female 56, am in my 7th year after 18 yrs in Children’s Ministry! Absolutely love God’s call into this Ministry!

Anyway, last weekend we had our Girls retreat & I’d felt God nudging me to do the relationship topic in depth & had all the ideas but wondering how to put them into 4 talks … & then I saw your blogs. So so great, used your headings & alot of your blog along with more stuff. Weekend went amazingly well!!

Funniest thing – a couple of subjects you mentioned, I thought “no, I can’t talk about that!” but on Saturday night when I”d shared my own testimony on my teen yrs & pre-marriage (not pretty .. non-Christian then!!) we did “Aska” basket time & every awkward subject came up! So you were spot on!! Just wanted to say your blogs were awesome & gave me the courage & the wisdom to say things straight up to the girls on so many issues!! AND everyone responded so well to hearing the whole truth.,

God’s truth. GOD BLESS .. SHONA

Thanks Shona, and so many others, for your encouraging notes. Keep up the good work!

We’ve now combined these blogs and posted them in a “Training Tools” format on our FREE TRAINING TOOLS page on TheSource4YM.com and in a helpful article format on our PARENTING HELP page on TheSource4Parents.com.

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“Can I Download Nicki Minaj?”

Posted on: 05/2/12 11:55 AM | by Jonathan McKee

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Nicki Minaj might just be the Gaga of Hip Hop. Her music is growingly popular, her antics are over the top, and her discretion is slim to none. But underneath all that fancy getup is a lost young girl named Onika who desperately needs to experience the love of Jesus. How can we teach our kids compassion for Onika, and, at the same time, discretion with her content?

WARNING: This blog post contains explicit lyrics, with ** where needed. If you are offended by the explicit lyrics… good! You probably should be.

Nicki Minaj is rapidly becoming a household name. Her new music video Beez in the Trap is rapidly gaining popularity, sitting at #2 on iTunes videos as I write this. Not bad for a song with the chorus:

Bitches ain’t sh*t and they ain’t say nothing
A hundred motherf**kers can’t tell me nothing
I beez in the trap, bee beez in the trap…

Her song Starships is currently #9 on the Billboard Hot 100, her album Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded sits #6 on Billboard’s album chart, and in the last few months Nicki’s had three different songs in the iTunes Top 10, just a click away for our kids.

Do your kids have Nicki on their iPod?

Are a few curse words all there is to worry about?

If parents are trying to determine whether Nicki’s music is appropriate for their kids, it won’t take long for them to decide. One of Nicki’s first rides up the charts was a few years ago in her collaboration with Lil Wayne, Drake and other rappers in the popular Young Money song BedRock (No, this song is not about the Flintstones). Here’s a snippet of the chorus:

My room is the G-spot
Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock
Oh, I can make your bed rock…

Nicki doesn’t take long to show her true colors during her part of this song. Her lyrics kick in with:

Okay, I get it, let me think, I guess it’s my turn
Maybe it’s time to put this p**sy on your side burns

Yes, Nicki is making an oral sex reference. Not just any reference, one that explicitly talks about the plus-size of her anatomy enveloping someone’s entire face, trumping the lyrics by female rapper Amil who said, “Before I put this p**sy on your mustache” in the Jay Z song Can I Get a…

Nicki is known for her foul mouth and full figure. Guardian columnist Simon Hattenstone describes her as having “a body like Marilyn and a mouth like Eminem” in his in depth interview with Minaj. Nicki gained a lot of popularity with songs like SuperBass and Stupid Hoe (I’m not making these titles up). A quick peek at the videos and Googling of the lyrics will reveal her pattern: bragging, cursing, and my biggest concern—the sexualization of girls.

I guess crude talk and racy videos weren’t enough for Nicki, because at the recent Grammy’s she upped the ante with her performance of her song, Roman Holiday, engaging in an exorcism of sorts. In a post Grammy interview she confessed that she has a demon named Roman living inside of her.

So is Nicki really intrigued or even possessed by evil spirits, or is this just another attention-getting ploy?

Does it really matter? Is that the deciding factor for parents teaching their kids discernment?

Many parents don’t find a problem with Nicki as long as you download the “clean version.” That seems to be the case with the proud parents of these two cute little girls… and Ellen DeGeneres. So is Stupid Hoe “clean” when you simply take out the curse words? Is Beez in the Trap “clean” when the profanity is removed? (Maybe parents should know a little more about Nicki and what terms like “Beez in the Trap” really means.)

Nicki continues to grow in popularity and as a role model. The question is: Are Nicki’s songs and music videos part of their regular entertainment-media diet?

Getting Our Teenagers Talking About Nicki
After my parent workshops parents always ask me what I say to my own kids about artists like Nicki. I always answer, “As little as possible. I try to get them talking.”

That’s the trick. When our kids ask, “Dad, Can I Download this Song?” our response should probably be, “I don’t know. What do you think?” And the conversation begins. (Chapter 6 of my parenting book is actually titled, “Dad, Can I Download this Song?” because it’s a question so desperate in need of addressing to today’s parents.)

I’ve had some of these conversations with different teenagers already about Nicki, asking them what they think of her lyrics, her videos, and her claims about demon possession. The conversations eventually lead here: “Nicki seems to be a girl looking for answers in the wrong places. We should pray for Nicki… and I agree with you, I don’t think we should download her songs.”

If our kids are Nicki fans the biggest mistake we could make is to just blindly label her “bad.” After all, aren’t we all “bad?” How bad is too bad? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be judged with that measuring tape. Perhaps we need to teach our kids compassion for people, while at the same time teaching discernment with the content they’re filling their heads with.

Compassion starts with stepping into the shoes of others. If you read her story, Nicki, born Onika Maraj, has a father who was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Nicki’s mother even claims that he tried to burn down their house once. Nicki has a history. She’s the woman at the well (John 4). She’s Zacchaeus (Luke 19). She could even be the demon-possessed man (Mark 5). We can learn a lot reading how Jesus responded to these people. While the religious stand and accuse, Jesus responds in compassion.

Perhaps when we see Nicki, we should try to look through Jesus’ eyes and really see Onika.

Does that mean that her music is fair game?

Compassion doesn’t give license to lack of discernment. We need to teach our kids love and wisdom. Just look at Ephesians, Chapter 5. It starts by affirming us to “walk in the way of love,” but then encourages us to steer clear of sexual immorality, impurity, greed and a whole list of foolish behavior. Avoiding those behaviors is basically paraphrased and summarized in vs. 17, “Don’t be foolish.”

If we are talking with kids who don’t see the Bible as an authority… do they believe their doctor? Because the Journal Pediatrics spells out the research clearly… the lyrics affect young people.

If your kids are Nicki fans, what are some ways you can help them learn to avoid being foolish with their entertainment media choices? How can we equip them to steer clear of bad content on their own? That’s the real trick—not over-reacting, but interacting, opening the doors for healthy dialogue.

Discussing Nicki’s Content
If your kids have some Nicki songs, try to get them talking about her content. Google the lyrics to SuperBass, Stupid Ho and Beez in the Trap. Go over the lyrics with your kids. Don’t’ lecture, just ask questions, questions like…

–       What do these lyrics mean?

–       What does she mean in SuperBass when she says that all a guy has to do is give her a look and her panties are coming off?

–       What do you think most girls who listen to Nicki are hearing when they hear these kinds of lyrics?

Pull up Nicki’s music video for Beez in the Trap on iTunes (just click videos on the front page- it’s on the top of the charts right now). Hit the preview button and simply watch the 30-second preview. Then ask…

–       What would happen if all girls started acting like Nicki and these other girls in this video?

–       Sure, a woman could dance like this in front of her husband, but do you think it’s appropriate to dance like this in front of the world?

Read the definition of “sexualization” from the APA right HERE (those first four bullets). Ask your kids to provide an example of sexualization. Ask them if they think Nicki’s videos are an example?

Realize that many kids are going to respond by saying that they don’t listen to the lyrics and they don’t pay attention to that stuff in the videos. Ask…

–       How do young people dance at a school dance? Why? Where do they get that idea from?

–       Is there a chance that many of today’s teenagers have been sexualized by role models like Nicki?

If you’re talking to boys, ask…

–       Why do guys like watching girls dance like this?

–       What is the definition of lusting? (Matthew 5:27, 28)

–       Is it possible that a lot of guys will probably lust when watching stuff like this?

You might conclude by asking, “So, if Nicki’s lyrics are recommending girls to act promiscuous, and her videos are proving that she is sexualized, and many who watch the videos are slowly being sexualized, or lusting…do you think we should make Nicki part of our music library?

Let your teenagers come to the conclusion.

Then take some time and truly pray for Onika.

IF YOU LIKED THIS POST,
YOU’LL LOVE JONATHAN’S BOOK,
“CANDID CONFESSIONS
OF AN IMPERFECT PARENT”

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Four Facts About Sex We Can’t Hush—FACT 4

Posted on: 03/1/12 9:34 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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This week I’ve shared a lot of “facts” about sex. Facts!

Are facts the best way to communicate to young people today?

Facts are necessary, especially when you’re talking about sex. But nothing beats the power of a personal story.

#4: Share Personal Experience

This week I’ve been blogging about the need to tell our kids the explicit truth about sex:

Now it’s time for the fourth and final “fact” about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves! Share personal experience. I guess I’m cheating a little bit with this last “fact,” because sometimes sex-education becomes just that—a bunch of facts. When in fact (no pun intended), we need to stop sharing facts and share life experience.

Sometimes we can share facts with our kids until we’re blue in the face. We wonder, is any of this sinking in?

Try sharing a story from your own life.

Yesterday I shared how sex is a process. I asked my 16-year-old daughter to proof that blog for me before I posted it. When I was done I asked her what she thought. She liked it, “especially the example about Anthony getting a kiss from his girlfriend in front of his grandmother.” She told me, “That example answered the question so many of us are wondering; how far can we go.” She continued. “Sure, you said, ‘Don’t event start the process.’ But that story explained it in a way I could understand.”

Good stories bring life to facts.

Some of the most powerful lessons are taught from our own life experiences. I’ve taught on the subject of sex hundreds of times. Some of the most powerful venues were the ones where I had someone come up and share their own story.

A few years ago I taught about sexual purity to a group of junior high girls. After teaching much of what I’ve shared above, I had a mom come up and share her own story. All the girls knew this mom because she was a volunteer leader and led a small group with many of the young girls sitting there. This mom shared a story of the first time she had sex. It was her prom. She was 16-years-old. She liked the guy so much and wanted him to like her. She gave away her virginity that night, only for him to break up with her a few days later.

As she shared this vulnerable tale from her own life, the young girls in this room cried with her, moved by, and for some, even identifying with, her story.

As I looked at the feedback from that evening, they enjoyed my presentation and were able to cite some of the truths I shared, but all the girls unanimously cited this woman’s story as having the most powerful impact that evening.

We all have stories to share.

Our kids need to hear stories of purity and the heartbreak we were spared; they need to hear stories of failure and the consequences we experienced. Don’t be afraid to share these stories and the lessons learned. Often, they will be the most remembered “fact” shared.

* * *The-Sex-Talk

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.

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Four Facts About Sex We Can’t Hush—FACT 3

Posted on: 02/29/12 6:21 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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“How far can I go?”

That’s the most common question youth workers hear when they speak to Christian students about sex. Young people in the church have heard Bible verses about “fornication” or “sexual immorality.” They’ve heard us teach that they’re not supposed to go “all the way.”

So how far can they go?

Funny. If we were teaching teenagers the explicit truth about sex… this wouldn’t even be a question. Furthermore, if young people understood how sex truly works, they might just be a little more careful to not set themselves up for failure.

It’s about time that we teach them that sex is more than just “a home run.”

#3: More Than a Home Run

This week I’ve been blogging about the need to tell our kids the explicit truth about sex:

Now it’s time for the third fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves! Sex is not just “a home run.” It’s so much more. (Hold onto your hats… there’s no tip toeing through today’s subject matter.)

I’ve probably heard it a thousand times:

 “I know we’re not supposed to have sex. So instead, we just…”

Now fill in the blank with one of many various sexual activities. I’ve heard them all: make out, touch each other, have oral sex, have anal sex…

Shudder if you will, but adults don’t seem to agree what “sex” is either. Is sex just “intercourse?” Most Christian adults will agree that oral sex and “petting” (an awkward term) are each some part of sex, but what about physical touch? A boy groping a girl’s breasts over her shirt… is this sex? (You’ll get a divided response every time.) Is this kind of touch appropriate for Christian teens and tweens?

Our kids want to know. And frankly, no one is talking about it (probably because it’s so awkward).

No wonder our kids are confused. So many of us just teach, “Don’t have sex!” We give them the I Corinthians 6 verses about sexual immorality being wrong, and we leave it at that. We never even define sexual immorality. Interpretation is left up to the pubescents with their screaming hormones and undeveloped brains.

Let me be clear. When Paul tells us to “flee” from sexual immorality in that passage, he’s not just telling us, “don’t have intercourse!” Sex is so much more than just “a home run.” God created sex as a process that starts with a little flirting, usually kissing, consensual touching, and soon it grows with incredible momentum to “going all the way.” Sex is the whole process. We can’t skip the beginning stages. In the same way, we aren’t supposed to start the beginning stages and then just abruptly halt the process. When we try this… we fail miserably!

Setting Them Up to… Set Themselves Up for Failure
The blame rests with us. It’s our fault.

Young people today constantly set themselves up for failure because they simply don’t understand sex. The biggest reason that Christian young people don’t understand sex is because most Christian adults won’t talk about sex in explicit detail.

I’ve talked with literally thousands of students about sex. Whenever I meet teen moms and listen to their story, 99% of the time they tell me, “I had questions, but no one was there to answer them.” (I told two of these stories to you recently here.)

We need to teach our kids the unedited truth about sex.

God created sex as this amazing process that starts with a just a look. Guy notices girl, girl notices guy. Attraction. Eventually kissing. Kissing leads to embracing. Embracing leads to caressing. Caressing leads to skin-on-skin touch. This kind of touch eventually results in pleasuring each other by touching the breasts and genitals (some people are really feeling uncomfortable now). Sometimes this leads to oral sex…and eventually…intercourse.

Eew. There’s that scientific word again.

It’s amazing how many words, terms and analogies we’ve come up with to describe this process. Baseball is an analogy that was common when I grew up.

“Did you get to first base?” That was kissing.

“I went to second base.” That was touching above the waist.

“Third base.” Touching below the waist.

“Home Run!” Everyone agrees that this is “going all the way.”

The interesting question I like to propose to young people is, “Which of these bases is sex?” Or “How many bases are you supposed to round with your boyfriend or girlfriend?” I’ve rarely met a young person who doesn’t name a base.

Why Is It So Difficult to Stop?
Most students see sex as just intercourse. To them, sex is a “home run.” Sex is “going all the way.” To them, the other bases are fair game.

I always ask, “Then why is it so difficult to stop when you’re on second base?”

The fact is, the whole process starts when a guy and girl begin kissing each other. That’s the way God made it. It’s actually a very amazing gift. We need to remember that this isn’t something dirty we’re talking about here. In fact, when kids ask me, “Why is it so difficult to stop?” I always surprise them with my answer:

“Because you’re not supposed to stop!”

“Huh?”

God designed sex as a process. When a man and woman commit to each other in marriage, they get to enjoy an intimate act of passion with each other that is so special that it’s reserved for just the two of them together, no one else. It’s a bond between them…“a bond that happens to feel freaking amazing!!!!”  (Okay…you don’t have to add that part.)

When a man gets alone with his wife and starts running his fingers through her hair and telling her she’s beautiful…it starts! Kissing, embracing, touching…it all progresses. (Here comes the explicit details that Christians are afraid to talk about.) The man’s penis gets hard, sometimes a result of a simple kiss, a nibble of the ear… a touch. Why? He’s so excited, and he wants more! God made it this way. The more the woman is caressed and touched, her vagina becomes wet, preparing for what’s about to happen. All this touching and caressing builds excitement, and soon neither can help themselves any longer. He longs to be inside her, and she longs for more. (Wow, this sounds like a harlequin novel!)

At this point I like to throw in a little surprise when I’m talking with young people about sex. I usually say this:

“And at this point, before they go ‘all the way’…they both stop, shake hands and walk away.”

Kids always just stare at me like I’m insane. So I go on.

“Nope. That’s not what happens, is it? In actuality, it would take a tornado or a herd of buffalo to stop what was going on in that room between that man and that woman. And why?

“Because sex was already started. The process of sex started with a touch and a kiss and eventually built to this amazing climax when the two finally ‘go all the way.’

“This is what sex is, the whole process. Not just ‘going all the way.’ More than just ‘a home run.’ The fact is, you shouldn’t even go up to bat with someone you’re not married to. This whole process is to be saved for marriage.”

Students always appreciate my honestly.

Yes! I always get students asking me, “So you’re saying that kissing is wrong?”

Again, the answer to that question is explicit. If I’m just talking to guys, I’ll be explicit, but with a touch of humor to lighten the mood.

“Anthony, the answer to that is probably in your boxers. If you’re at your grandma’s birthday party and the whole family is gathered around the table. Your girlfriend gives you a kiss on the cheek when you bring her a piece of cake… then you’re probably okay. But my guess is that if you’re alone with your girlfriend on the couch making out, the process of sex has probably started. If ‘Little Anthony’ is standing at attention ready for battle, that’s a good sign that the process has started. That’s why it’s a good idea for you not to kiss your girlfriend without your grandmother in the room. Little Anthony is scared of Grandma.”

It’s painfully obvious that this is one of the reasons that young people fail sexually. They put themselves in situations where they “start the sexual process” and then can’t stop.

I love to have students talk about these type of situations that they put themselves in. I come up with hypotheticals.

“Your parents are gone and your boyfriend comes over to your house to ‘study.’ Good idea, or bad idea?”

“You and your girlfriend are alone, lying on the couch watching a movie. She’s laying on you. Good, or bad idea?”

I ask them to reflect on past situations. When was it difficult for you to stop?

Sometimes there are kids there who haven’t put themselves in those situations yet. It’s good for them to hear the other kids share their stories and experiences. It’s good for them to set some guidelines before they get into these situations.

It’s funny. Whenever I teach this whole “sex is a process” to students, they always say, “I’ve never heard this before.”

Why are we so afraid to tell young people this truth?

Tomorrow we’re going to learn a 4th and final fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves…

* * *The-Sex-Talk

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.

 

Posted in Parenting, Sexuality, Youth Ministry Planning |  | Leave A Comment

Four Facts About Sex We Can’t Hush—FACT 2

Posted on: 02/28/12 6:02 PM | by Jonathan McKee

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We’re on day three of “5 Days of Sex” in my blog.

Day one I wrote about why we need to talk to our teens and tweens about sex. Day two I kicked off the Four Facts About Sex We Just Can’t Hush, with Fact #1: SEX ISN’T NAUGHTY.

Today it’s time for the second fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves!

#2: CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

Consequences aren’t fun. Can’t we just pretend they’re not there?

That’s the message entertainment media is communicating to young people today. It’s a message we would love to believe.

A few nights ago my wife and I watched a rerun of CBS’s creatively funny, The Big Bang Theory (one of the 5 most popular shows on TV on any given week). In this particular episode, the sensitive nerd, Leonard, hooks up with his friend’s sister the day he meets her. As they’re getting up from sleeping together, he gingerly mentions his willingness to go further with the relationship. She callously objects, clarifying that sleeping with him didn’t mean anything.

The show progresses with no apparent consequences. Such is TV today (Look at the pie chart at the bottom of this blog two days ago to see an example of exactly what percentage of sexual dialogue is “responsible” on other popular shows.)

Do our kids know that this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be? Sex isn’t supposed to be a recreational activity that we do with people we meet each day. It’s something much greater than this.

Are we talking with our kids about the truth? Do we use “media moments” to have these discussions with our kids?

Sin 101
Yesterday I emphasized the point that sex isn’t naughty. Sex is a wonderful gift that a man and woman can enjoy together when they commit to each other in marriage. The Proverbs 5 passage I shared with you yesterday talks about some of this enjoyment in explicit detail. See verse 19:

may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

This is the way that it’s supposed to be. This is just a glimpse of good sex.

But our own flawed tendency is to take good things and try to twist them and make them better. It’s something that has happened since the dawn of man. Adam and Eve could have anything they wanted… “but that forbidden fruit sounds really good!” We’re inherently flawed. Men like their wives’ breasts, so why not enjoy other women’s breasts too? Why not “hook up” with anyone we want purely for fun.

As you well know, our culture even has terms for this, terms like “hooking up” or “friends with benefits.” A movie of that same title might just accurately represent how young people actually view relationships today. Ypulse’s Gen Y expert Melanie Shreffler seems to think so:

“Friends With Benefits (the movie) is a good representation of Millennial relationships. They believe that relationships can develop from friendships and from one night stands…. Millennials believe in trying things out before settling on a decision.”

This isn’t anything new. Mankind has always tried to do things their own way rather than God’s way. It’s sin 101. “I believe in you God… but I really want to enjoy this temporary thrill.” The book of Genesis is full of it.

Consider the Consequences
That’s why this Proverbs passage goes on to offer some great advice. Look at verse 20.

20 Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

The Proverbs poet makes it clear. Why would you go outside of marriage for sexual pleasure? It’s meant for marriage. If you read the verses that follow you’ll see some of God’s reasoning why:

21 For your ways are in full view of the LORD,
and he examines all your paths.
22 The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them;
the cords of their sins hold them fast.
23 For lack of discipline they will die,
led astray by their own great folly.

What an awesome passage to talk about with our kids! Choices have consequences. We could probably even ask our kids to name some of the consequences the verses list here: God sees everything we do and is examining our actions, our evil deeds will ensnare us, we’ll be tied down by our sins….

We could also have them list some modern day examples of each of these.  (Yes, I just gave you discussion questions.)

For further teaching: We could open up I Corinthians 6:12-20 and teach the concept of sexual immorality (vs. 18), defining it. (I always define it as the “voluntary sex of an unmarried person. More on the definition of “sex” in tomorrow’s blog, Fact #3). God wants us to enjoy sex in marriage, but literally flee sexual immorality. Ask kids what “flee” means.

What if people don’t actually have sex, but they just think about it instead? (enter pornography, stage right) Open up Matthew 5:27-30 and read Jesus’ words about lust. This is a great passage to talk about, especially with our boys. We need to talk with young people today about the increasingly difficult task of fleeing porn.

Explicit Grace
The Bible isn’t ashamed to talk about sex and consequences in graphic detail. Why should we be scared to do the same? For some reason God chose to tell us the truth in explicit detail. Sometimes these details show just how much God loves us, even though we are terribly fallen and corrupt.

Look at Genesis 38:

8 Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” 9 But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the LORD’s sight; so the LORD put him to death also.

Perhaps we should edit this filthy material, eh?

Oh snap! It’s from the Bible?

I’m not saying that this is a “go to” passage when teaching 6th grade Sunday school, but you might want to consider how you’re going to answer your kids’ questions about it when you’re reading through the book of Genesis as a family.

In our family Bible reading we actually encountered this passage just a few months ago, having a great discussion about how much God loves widows and orphans and doesn’t like anyone to take advantage of them. (Onan was denying Tamar an heir). The rest of the passage is pretty explicit as well. Judah sleeps with Tamar, thinking she’s a prostitute, she gets pregnant, Judah is going to have her burned to death for committing adultery (even though he did too). It has twists and turns like a Shakespearean play. Amazing story.

Funny, when you look back at the genealogies, Tamar’s line is the one from which Christ was born! What a great lesson for teenagers about how God takes the sinful pasts of mankind and uses it for good. Yes, sin has consequences. But God loves us despite of our mistakes.

These passages include some pretty graphic stuff. And for some reason the Bible didn’t edit the stories. We need to teach our kids about these kinds of real life consequences and God’s love for us throughout.

So don’t keep these facts to yourself. Share them in explicit detail:

  1. Sex isn’t naughty. It’s a gift from God to enjoy in marriage!
  2. Choices have consequences. Sex outside of marriage hurts us and the people around us. When we have sexual thoughts or think about sexual situations with people other than our spouse, it hurts our relationship with God and our spouse. Only His grace can bring healing.

Tomorrow we’re going to learn a 3rd fact about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves…

* * *The-Sex-Talk

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.

 

Posted in Parenting, Sexuality, Youth Ministry Planning |  | Leave A Comment