Sexuality Archives - Page 12 of 28 - Jonathan's Blog From The Source

Four Facts About Sex We Just Can’t Hush- FACT 1

Posted on: 02/27/12 9:42 PM | by Jonathan McKee

Yesterday I kicked off “5 Days of Sex” in my blog, and the point was simple: we need to talk with our kids about sex. Yes, even our middle school kids. Scratch that—especially our middle school kids!

In yesterday’s blog I wrote about why we need to talk to our teens and tweens about this subject. Now it’s time to talk about what to say! In other words, what good is it for me to tell you that you should talk with your kids about this, but not provide any ideas of what to actually say!

Some of you have heard me speak about purity, sex, or relationships at conferences or camps. Some of you have even used my talks on this subject like the talk, “A New Beginning” in my book, 10-Minute Talks. You’ve seen my candid approach. In my experience speaking to teens and tweens for the last 20-years, combined with my own experience as a parent of three teenagers, I find four facts about sex that we just can’t keep to ourselves. Today I’ll share the first one.

#1: SEX ISN’T NAUGHTY

Perhaps we should start talking about sex the way God designed it, as something good!

Sex isn’t naughty, it’s not inappropriate, and it’s not shameful. The Bible isn’t afraid to talk about it in graphic detail and we shouldn’t be afraid of it either. The Bible opens with the story of a naked man in a garden who wanted a partner. God saw this and didn’t want Adam to be alone. So what does God do?

“Poof.” A naked woman.

Then what does God tell Adam? “Go forth and multiply!” How’s that for a sexual green light.

God is so awesome!

The Explicit Truth
Why isn’t the Bible scared to talk about the subject? The Bible is not afraid to talk about sex for the gift it is. The Bible tells us the unedited truth throughout. See Proverbs 5.

¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
²⁰ Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

I love using this passage to talk with young people about sex for several reasons:

It’s always good to drive students to scripture, and for some reason, young people always like this passage.
This passage is a voice not often heard in the world today—it’s pro marriage. It talks about marriage not only in a positive light, but with the passion and intoxication that this kind of true love relationship brings. (Very romantic)
It doesn’t hold back on the specifics. It brings up the fact that a man can enjoy his wife’s breasts (and it’s not naughty to do so). How often do you hear this in the church? Not often. But you hear these kind of details everywhere else.
It’s realistic about the consequences of looking around at other women (more on this point in my fact #2 tomorrow). If you read further in this passage, it goes into more detail of living out this kind of folly.

This is an amazing passage to go through with young people today. It tells us a pretty graphic picture of how wonderful it is for a man to enjoy his wife sexually. The passage isn’t even afraid to talk about her boobs!

Oh boy…look what I just did. I just made a bunch of people mad. Why? Because I said “boobs.”

Seriously?

Think about this for a second. What word do you think the Bible would use today? Consider the world we live in. The word “boobs” is an innocent and commonplace term in actuality. Most teenagers would use the words “boobs” with their own parents before they would say the word “breasts.” Most teenagers are used to hearing a lot worse from sources just a click away on iTunes. Take a peek at what literally millions of young people are hearing from rap star Tyga, the words he uses for women and their breasts, in his hit song Rack City that was #7 on the Billboard Hot 100 last week (Google the lyrics if you’re curious). Now that’s derogatory!

My point here isn’t to argue the word “boobs.” Use the word “breasts” if you think that would work better. Just let me ask you a bigger question:

What are you afraid of?

Too Much or Too Little?
Are you afraid of telling our kids too much? Do you really think our kids live in a shoebox? Do you think they’ve never heard of “boobs” before?

When it comes to talking about sex with our kids, we can err on the side of giving them too much information, or too little information. Which side would you prefer to gravitate towards?

I’ve met a lot of parents who, in fear, would rather err on the side of telling them too little. I’d love to ask these folks a question. What are the consequences if you tell your kids the unedited truth about a little more than they were already exposed to? Is it dangerous to tell them that sex is an amazing gift from God that they can enjoy when they are married? Do you think if you show a teen or tween this above scripture he or she is going to start downloading porn? Do you think that if you use the word “boobs” that they are suddenly going to start thinking about boobs?

(Important Note: Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying to throw discernment and wisdom out the window. In yesterday’s blog, two of my readers commented, asking me to specify exactly how much is too much when talking about sex, porn, masturbation, anal sex, etc.? See my answers to both Eric and Ben in the comments section where I give them my two cents, diving into even more specifics on this issue)

Why are so many of us afraid to share too much, so we settle for too little?

Consider this extreme. What if we do share too little? What if your kids would really like to know about sex but are too scared to ask? What if they have questions that aren’t being answered because we’re tiptoeing around the issue? Should they raise their hand in youth group or walk into their mom’s room before bedtime and ask, “Mom, I’m masturbating every night. I’m going for a world record! I can’t stop. It started with the JC Penney’s catalogue but now it’s internet porn. Help!!!”

The “Sex Talk” (singular)
A few months ago I met a young teen mom who became pregnant during her first year in college, got kicked out of her house, and had the baby on her own. Everyone in the church knew. Huge ordeal! It’s years later now, she’s living back at home and she’s back in church with her toddler, living with the day to day struggles of being a single mom. As she was reflecting back and telling me about her mistakes, I asked her, “What would you do different as a parent to help your own kids not make the same mistakes?”

Without hesitation she responded. “I would talk about it more!” She was adamant. “Not once—all the time!”

She continued. “My parents never talked about it. My dad couldn’t talk about it. He sent my mom into my room once to have ‘the talk.’ It wasn’t enough. I had questions, struggles and desires and I knew that they didn’t want to talk about it. So I didn’t ask them. I found out on my own.”

I hear this perspective all the time.

Three weeks ago I met a college kid with a two-year-old son. After hearing him share his heart, I asked him the same question, “What would you do to equip your son for these kinds of life decisions?”

He didn’t even blink. “I’m going to talk about sex with my son a lot!”

De ja vu!

He continued. “My dad talked with me about it once. Youth group talked about it once a year, but they never answered my questions.”

He gave me specifics. “When I went to college, I would go in my girlfriend’s dorm room. I just thought, this is so cool! This is what happens in every movie! I didn’t think through anything. No one had told me specifically, ‘If you get alone with a girl that initiates sex, it will be impossible to stop!’ I want my kid to know the truth. I’m going to prepare him for that day so he doesn’t have to figure it out on his own.”

Wow. Is it possible that some of us are unintentionally holding back the truth that our kids need to hear because we’re being so careful editing what we think is profane.

We need to start talking openly and honestly about sex. I’m not trying to give license to flippant use of course slang. Far from it. Personally, when I’m talking about sex in a youth group setting or with my own kids, I like to just use a word that is the least offensive or even the least “creepy.” This can change from crowd to crowd. Some people will tell you to always use the scientific words. Just make sure you know you’re your audience. Some kids will cringe if you use words like “intercourse” or “coitus.”

But definitely don’t hesitate to share a passage like the Proverbs passage above. Believe it or not, you’re going to encounter people who say that it’s just inappropriate to talk about the subject of women’s breasts at all. This is just bad discernment with no Biblical backing. If this were true, then why does the Bible talk about breasts? The Bible isn’t afraid to talk about body parts and sexuality in lurid detail. (You think this Proverbs passage is explicit, check out Ezekiel 23:19-21.)

Not Ashamed
The fact is plain and simple. The Bible isn’t ashamed to talk about good sex the way it was intended, and it’s not afraid to denounce sexual immorality just the same. This Proverbs passage talks about how husbands should enjoy their wives’ breasts. If you think the word “boobs” is offensive, then just use the word breasts. The key is, these body parts are not something bad. Sex is not naughty. God created this whole process. It’s not bad or dirty or shameful.

We need to communicate this to our kids! We need to present them with a holistic Biblical picture about sex.

So often, Christian adults are afraid to talk about “the naughty thing.” Satan loves this! The church has unintentionally propagated this lie for years. Our kids have learned that sex is naughty and we don’t talk about it!

The result?

Our kids sneak to find answers elsewhere…from the people who are talking about it: their friends at school, movies like Friends with Benefits, songs like Last Friday Night, and TV shows like Two and a Half Men and Jersey Shore.

Don’t be afraid to tell our kids the truth. Sex is amazing, a gift from God, something they’ll eventually get to experience when they find the right person and commit to them in marriage.

This isn’t naughty…it’s just good teaching.

Tomorrow… the second fact we can’t hush when talking about sex!

* * *

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.

Posted in Parenting, Sexuality, Youth Ministry Planning | | Leave A Comment

Shhhh! Don’t Talk About Sex

Posted on: 02/26/12 5:31 PM | by Jonathan McKee

SEX! It’s a subject that Christian parents and youth workers don’t talk about enough with our kids, and so for the next 5 days I’m going to talk about… talking about it!

A couple weeks ago I was speaking at a camp in rural Wisconsin and I brought up the subject of sex to my middle school audience of about 500 kids. Funny enough, I received a handful of the typical “Why are you talking about sex with this age group!” comments.

Since that camp (not even two weeks ago, as I write this), I’m amazed how much the subject of “talking about sex with teenagers” has come up. This “hush” isn’t just limited to Wisconsin.

Let me say it simply: talking about sex is something we need to talk about.

Just a few days after the camp, Marko wrote this insightful blog about how he actually prefers to speak to middle schoolers about sex—the perfect time to talk with them about it. He articulated it like this: “It’s pure irresponsibility as a youth worker to avoid this subject.” He goes on to describe how “all over the board” they are developmentally and how, often with middle schoolers, it’s more “what sex will be” than “what it is” for them in their lives.

I can’t agree more.

A few days ago I had breakfast with my friend Doug Fields and shared what had happened at this camp, specifically the moms who told me, “These kids weren’t thinking about sex at all, but now that you brought it up they are!” Doug, having seen this overprotective parenting style on way too many occasions, nodded his head in disbelief. Forget the adults for a moment- we both felt for these poor misinformed kids that were basically taught, “We don’t ever talk about ‘the naughty thing.’” It’s something we observe way too often.

Is this a national problem?

How about international.

My dad is on a missions trip to Uganda right now teaching and equipping African pastors how to preach God’s word. One of the African ministers traveling with him, Andrew, is a pastor who travels to different villages talking about sex and the AIDS epidemic, educating young people about the truth. Sadly, in the African culture they rarely talk about sex. (Wow, Uganda is just like Wisconsin!) Andrew has earned trust with several of the schools and has been teaching “True Love Waits” rallies, presenting the truth and then interacting with kids afterwards, answering questions they have.

My dad just sent me an email about this from his phone while in Uganda:

Had another good night sleep. We are at a catholic retreat center and it is pretty primitive, but the team is all so positive. We don’t have showers or hot water. Learning to wash my hair at a faucet. Cold shaves.

Our team that taught the “true love waits” to 200 middle school kids was pretty moved yesterday. After Andrew made the aids presentation they handed out cards for ?s. Everyone wrote ?s. Schools are in English. The ?s were heart wrenching. Things like “I’ve been raped. How do I know if I have aids?” Or “I have aids. Should I quit having sex with my boyfriend?”. This from 12 and 13 year olds! The headmaster of the school invited them back today to talk to another 200 kids. The team is very excited to present this material that Andrew has written. He was on a Ministry of education committee when he wrote this and now he can present this in public schools.

The African AIDS epidemic is pretty scary. Those of us in the US probably would like to think that we have an entire ocean separating us from this problem. Sadly, this isn’t just an African problem. It was only a few years ago that we all woke up to the headlines, “One in Four Teenage Girls Has a Sexually Transmitted Disease.” Teenage girls in the US are making the same mistakes.

Part of the problem is ignorance. Last month USNews wrote about a study revealing that one in four teenage girls who took the human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccine mistakenly thought their risk of getting other STDs was lowered. Sound crazy? I constantly encountered this kind of reasoning in my work with middle school students on campus. “I’ll just wear two condoms.” “I always shower really good after sex.”

The fact is, parents aren’t talking about sex enough with their kids. One “sex talk” isn’t enough. This needs to be an ongoing conversation. Adults aren’t spending the time to tell kids the truth.

I talk about sex to young people frequently, openly, honestly… never gratuitously. TV and movies talk about sex all the time; they just don’t tell the whole story. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk candidly about the subject, sharing the truth on the matter. Sex isn’t bad, sex isn’t naughty… it’s an amazing gift that God gives to a man and woman in marriage. The Bible isn’t afraid to talk about it in lurid detail and we shouldn’t be scared either.

So why is it that the church always squirms when we talk about sex? We’re so afraid of being “inappropriate” that we avoid talking about the elephant in the room. Meanwhile, Hollywood isn’t holding anything back when slinging lies.

Recently I read a study that tracked all the sexual dialogue in current MTV reality show programming like Jersey Shore, and the various Real Word shows (Side note: Jersey Shore was the #3 watched show on cable last week. This sexually charged show is very often the most watched cable show on any given week.) This sobering report revealed that in all the talk about intercourse, foreplay, oral sex, masturbation on these MTV shows… 96.4% of this kind of sexual talk didn’t mention any responsibility or consequences of any kind. Only 3.6 percent of the time did they ever talk about any sexual responsibility like virginity (.2%), contraceptives (1.4%) or consequences like STDs (2%). Today’s music isn’t much better at presenting truth.

The lies about sex are obviously getting good airtime. When are kids going to hear the truth? Who is going to tell them?

Parents… are you listening?

How do we have these talks with our kids?

Chime in with your 2 cents. Tomorrow I’m chiming in with “Four Facts About Sex We Can’t Hush.” (OR CLICK HERE FOR ALL FOUR FACTS IN ONE ARTICLE ON OUR WEB PAGE FOR PARENTS)

* * *

If you liked Jonathan’s candid approach to this subject, you’ll really enjoy his books, MORE THAN JUST THE TALK, and SEX MATTERS and others on Jonathan’s Recommended Books page.

Posted in Jonathan's Rant, Parenting, Sexuality | | Leave A Comment

A Click Away on iTunes Top 10

Posted on: 01/31/12 5:14 PM | by Jonathan McKee

It’s amazing what you can learn about youth culture today from iTunes. That’s what I did for this audience of parents and teenagers. I basically opened up iTunes and gave parents a quick tour of the top songs and music videos of the day. The results were a little sobering, funny, sad… and… well… what do you think?

CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T SEE THE EMBEDDED VIDEO

Posted in Entertainment Media, Jonathan's Rant, Music, Parenting, Sexuality, Youth Culture | | Leave A Comment

Do Sexy Super Bowl Ads Sell?

Posted on: 01/24/12 4:06 PM | by Jonathan McKee

While I was traveling this past weekend, we noticed an interesting article in USA Today about racy Super Bowl ads. The online article features a video interview of Bob Parsons, founder of GoDaddy.com, known for the success of his sexy ads. The video also interviews GoDaddy Girl and famous race car driver Danica Patrick. Both are asked, “Does sex sell?”

Both say… yes.

Parsons readily admits that when they decided to do a Super Bowl ad in 2005, they were a company that nobody heard of, selling a product difficult to articulate… especially to people that might be slightly intoxicated at a Super Bowl party. “But,” Parsons explains, “what we could get across was the GoDaddy.com name.”

He goes on to explain how it worked for them in 2005.

“I thought the best way to do that was… most of the viewers were males… we’d have a very well endowed female. We’d certainly have our name across her well-endowment. And our ad had to be polarizing, and it was. Our market share before that ad was 16%. The following week it was 25% worldwide. I would say it worked!”

The math doesn’t lie. Neither do the GoDaddy girls.

“If you’re asking me the question, Does sex sell?” says GoDaddy girl Danica Patrick. “Yes is the answer”

But the USA Today article offers an opposing point of view, a report from the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, who have been analyzing these types of ads during the Super Bowl for the last two decades. They contend that spots with sexual imagery take a 10% hit in “likeability.”

I don’t want to be a skeptic, but… really?

Apparently they neglected to look at GoDaddy’s year-end financial statement.

Who do you believe? Do you think sex sells? When you look at the content in the top songs and TV shows today, what do you see? Sure, you’ll find some good content, Adele, etc. But are the sexy artists taking hits in popularity?

What about the rise in Internet porn? 25% of all search engine requests are pornography related. 35% of all internet downloads are pornographic. Are these sites taking any hits in likability?

What examples do you see of sex selling?

What examples do you see of sex repelling instead of selling?

Posted in Entertainment Media, Sexuality, TV | | Leave A Comment

Sorry Adam, My Wife is Hot

Posted on: 01/3/12 5:10 PM | by Jonathan McKee

My buddy Adam ranted in his blog today about guys who describe their wives as hot. Adam said it makes him cringe every time he hears it. Well… I cringed when I read Adam’s blog, because I am one of the people he referred to. “I have a hot wife!”

Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” on my friend Adam. I called him up to ask him if he thought I should write this little pushback to his blog. He welcomed the banter. I think his opinion is valid. I just wanted him and others to hear from the other side… guys who just can’t keep quiet about their hot wives!

So in response to Adam’s “Yes, your wife is hot” blog, here are my reasons why I don’t hesitate to mention how hot my wife is:

I actually mean it! I’m not just forcing it or trying to be demonstrative, I really think my wife is hot. I don’t say it when I’m speaking at a church and she’s sitting right there in the front pew—she would be embarrassed. She doesn’t want people looking at her to see if she is hot. But I don’t hesitate to say it if the subject of my wife comes up when I’m talking with a friend, when I’m teaching a workshop, or even speaking to teenagers at a camp. If you hear me mention my wife, you’ll almost always hear me say something about how amazing or beautiful she is. I can’t resist!

Adam says it’s immature. I’ve been called immature for a lot worse!

More guys should think that their wives are hot! Unfortunately, 87% of men admitted to using porn in the year prior. That’s a lot of men that are looking at other women and thinking that they’re hot. I really don’t want to be in that group, and, speaking completely candidly, there are way too many men who are comfortable “looking around.” Sadly, we men all have friends who don’t hesitate to “look” as long as they “don’t touch.” You’ll hear guys say, “Just because I’m on the diet, it doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” Sorry guys, I’m not buying it. I really don’t want to look around, because I’ve witnessed too many guys noticing that the grass is greener wherever they look. Personally, I really like my grass. (Did that come out wrong?)

I said it way before Talladega Nights.

Our wives need to know that we truly think they are beautiful. Hopefully, men aren’t just putting on a show. They should tell their wives how beautiful they are, and often! I daily tell Lori how hot she is. Sadly, this is often met with a chuckle, followed by, “Yeah, right.” Same thing when I tell my daughters how beautiful they are. They often say, “Well you only say that because you’re my dad.” It’s sad how poor the self-esteem of our women has become today. Today’s women are bombarded with images of how they “should” look, with perfect skin, ginormous breasts, and anorexic waistlines. Today’s females are often trying to measure up to an image that doesn’t even exist. It’s sad what these media-images are doing to our women. Our women need to hear how beautiful they truly are from people who mean it and really care about them. I’m entranced with my wife like the Song of Solomon poet. I love her eyes, the curve of her back… and for her sake, I won’t got into any more detail like the Bible does (but I do enjoy fruit).

Our young men need to be head over heals crazy about the woman they marry, in all aspects. As a minister who has married lots of couples and is counseling a couple now, I’ve seen this backfire both ways. I’ve seen a man be infatuated with a woman’s looks only. The marriage didn’t last. On the other hand I’ve seen a man “settle” for a woman he really liked, but wasn’t attracted to. This marriage, like so many, ended up with him having a porn addiction. Criticize me if you want, but an attractive spouse is very important to men (Dr. Willard Harley talks about that fact in detail in his book, His Needs Her Needs). That better not be the only reason a man marries a woman, but couples should never “settle.” Those marriages are doomed from the start.

And Adam… just because you brought it up, my wife does make a mighty fine meat loaf! (As hot as she is, she knows that food will always come before sex in our house) (That was meant as to infer priority, not sequence, but I’ll gladly take the latter on any day).

That’s all I got.

So if you don’t think men should call their wife “hot,” then that’s okay. Really. I might have it wrong, but my intentions are right. I don’t have it all together, but I definitely can’t help but smother my wife with love and affection. I’m a tireless romantic. My kids probably grow tired of me kissing my wife’s neck in the kitchen (and then helping her do the dishes).

My daughter Alyssa told me the nicest thing a few weeks ago. She said, “How is any guy I date ever gonna measure up to you? If he brings flowers, I’m going to think, Only flowers? Where’s my poetry? Where’s my personalized romantic iTunes playlist? Where’s my surprise trip to the ocean?”

My wife is so much more than hot! (and yes, I did make a playlist called “Lori”)

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The Increasingly Difficult Task of “Fleeing” Porn

Posted on: 11/21/11 11:47 AM | by Jonathan McKee

Porn is becoming virtually inevitable. Unfortunately, so are the consequences of porn-consumption.

Doug Fields and I collaborated on four posts about porn last week on his blog (here’s his summary post with links to all). I wanted to take the opportunity to wrap up with some closing thoughts about taking this threat seriously.

The Pressing Need to “Flee”
Porn is permeating every avenue of technology. Unless we all move to Amish Pennsylvania or to an ice cave near the North Pole, porn is readily accessible. If you have the internet, it’s no secret that porn is a click away. If you ever stay in a hotel, hardcore porn is most often one of the TV ‘s main menu choices. If you’re like the 91% of America that pays for TV reception at home, the Playboy channel and pay-per-view porn are available at the click of a button, not to mention the soft-core porn that they often show for free on Cinemax, Showtime, and HBO.

Maybe that’s why (according to this article) 87% of men admitted to using porn in the year prior. If that weren’t enough, 69% of men and 10% of women report viewing pornography more than once a month.

As you can see, this is predominantly a male struggle. Those men who are trying to escape the lure of porn are being forced to take drastic measures to truly “flee sexual immorality.”

Sexual immorality was a real struggle for many of the heroes in the Bible (Abraham, Judah, David, Solomon…) and it’s a struggle for Godly men today.

The temptation is real. Take it from me, a guy who is in an average of two to three different hotels per month. If you dare turn on the TV, the first screen that appears is a “preview” channel that gives you a choice of “popular movie titles” and what they cleverly label “adult desires.” If you are strong enough to resist temptation, clicking “popular movie titles,” the screen once again gives you several choices: movies still in the theatres, popular rentals, or once again adult desires. Sometimes you’ll even get propositioned a third time.

If you skip this menu all together and click through the channels, be careful if it’s in the later hours of the evening. If the hotel has HBO, shows like Real Sex and the CatHouse series provide softcore porn. HBO’s TrueBlood is full of graphic sex and nudity. If the hotel has Showtime, this channel has it’s own versions of the same. Most hotels have one of the two channels.

This makes it very difficult for any traveler. I have learned that I literally have to check the TV schedule before I turn on the TV. If a man doesn’t check the schedule, then he might be caught off-guard while channel flipping, and that’s a very difficult situation for a man alone in a hotel room. Anyone who has been in this situation understands why Paul uses the word “flee” when talking about the lure of sexual immorality in I Corinthians chapter 6. Fleeing porn might sometimes require dropping everything and running like Joseph shedding his jacket and barely escaping Potiphar’s wife.

Here’s where many authors would insert that personal story of failure to hammer home the point. No need for gratuitous confessions here. Let me just say this: I’m not perfect, porn is a very real temptation for me, as it is for most men, and personally I take “fleeing” seriously (this reason being a huge motivator).

When a believer experiences the lure of porn, it’s good to lay down some boundaries, or dare I say “fleeing” measures. Personally, I never turn on the TV in my hotel without checking the schedule. My wife and I talk openly about fleeing these kinds of temptations. I meet for accountability with a good friend who is a local pastor, asking each other tough questions regularly.

Some people don’t see porn as a big deal. The reality is, they are suppressing the truth about the consequences of porn, allowing it to reign free in their life. They don’t foresee the danger. Today’s porn isn’t like the Playboy magazines that some of us might have peeked at as a kid. This porn is high speed, available 24/7, with a taste for every fetish. Those that become entranced soon grown numb to the mild stuff. Softcore is replaced by hardcore, and an increasing need develops for more extreme material. Soon, the consequences hit them right where it counts.

I encourage you to take a peek at the four articles Doug posted on his blog about porn. In those articles we covered:

In a world where almost 9 out of 10 men have struggled with the lure of porn, this is a subject we cant ignore. I encourage you to not only take a peek at the research in Doug’s blog entries, but dialogue about this with your teenagers. Teenagers are hearing lies on so many fronts… you might be the one person that actually tells them the truth about God’s desire for sex.

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Glee Goes All the Way… Again

Posted on: 11/10/11 12:30 PM | by Jonathan McKee

This week Doug Fields posted an article of mine on his blog encouraging parents to use the “pause button,” the “fast forward button”… and even the “off button” on their TV remotes as they co-view media with kids. Which button does Fox’s Glee require?

This week Glee featured two of the show’s teenage couples each losing their virginity, a homosexual couple (Kurt and Blaine), and a heterosexual couple (Finn and Rachel).

Parents that took time to even notice the show’s content this week are debating the appropriateness. The PTC is outraged (as always), and articles are beginning to emerge asking relevant questions, like this article from Time, What Teen Sex on Glee Really Teaches Kids.

This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Glee address the subject of teenagers losing their virginity. In the 15^th episode of Season One, an episode titled “The Power of Madonna,” Glee introduced the same scenario when three couples faced the decision to lose their virginity (the episode was watched by 12.98 million American viewers and was critically acclaimed). After a dream sequence performance of Madonna’s Like a Virgin, two of these teenagers took the plunge and “went all the way” (Finn and Santana), while others didn’t (Rachel, for example).

At this point some parents began questioning whether Glee was appropriate viewing for teens and tweens. Instead of giving a dogmatic stamp of approval or disapproval, I responded with a rather detailed Youth Culture Window article, To Glee or not to Glee, encouraging parents to think biblically about Glee and look for biblical guidance.

Interestingly enough… parents continued to ask me, “Do you let your kids watch Glee?”

That’s a great question.

I’ll be honest. I don’t usually like to tell parents, “Let your kids watch SHOW A, but don’t let your kids watch SHOW B!” This robs parents the opportunity to teach discernment and robs kids the opportunity of learning to discern for themselves.

Yes, there are some shows that clearly necessitate the “off button,” shows like Jersey Shore and Two and a Half Men. But discernment isn’t always that easy. What about shows like American Idol? (a question I asked in the article Doug posted)

Ever since Little House on the Prairie left prime time, teaching discernment has grown a little more difficult during family hour on television. In a world where Two and a Half Men is repeatedly the #1 show of the week, and Jersey Shore is the #1 cable show, caring parents are hard-pressed to find anything appropriate to watch with their kids.

Sadly, I see two polar extremes rise to the surface:

The Overly-Permissive Parent—this mom let’s her kids do anything, watch anything, stay out as late as they want… after all, they’ve gotta grow up sometime! “If you’re gonna drink with your friends, do it here! Then at least you’ll be safe!” These kids don’t just watch Jersey Shore, they watch the sexually explicit and gratuitously violent True Blood on HBO. These kids never learn to discern; they are taught the subtle message that “everything’s okay.”
The Puritanistic Parent—this mom doesn’t let her kids do anything! No TV, no music (“especially not that Contemporary Christian… the devil’s music!), skirts will go down past the ankles, after all, “This isn’t the house of Jezebel!” These kids don’t watch anything at home… they sneak to their friends houses to watch it! (I listen to the complaints of these kids all the time at camps and conferences across the country!) The puritanistic parent never teaches their kids to discern. They hope that protecting them from the world will save them from it. Sadly, when these kids turn 18, they often rebel and “sew their wild oats.”

Do we have to gravitate toward either of these extremes?

Funny… after Doug posted my article about parents using the remote, we started to see comments and receive emails from parents saying, “Kids are gonna watch what they’re gonna watch!” And then from the opposite end of the spectrum… “The TV stays off at our house!!!”

Are these really our only two choices?

It’s growingly difficult to teach our kids positive media decisions today, and shows like Glee really put the pressure on parents. Young people love the show and hear about it around every corner. After all, it’s very well done and it speaks to their world. Heck… adults love the show! The guest stars are usually a big draw, the writing is compelling and the music is usually amazing. It was the number two show at the 8 o’clock hour again this last Tuesday night. Let’s be honest. It’s difficult to be the only parent at the PTA meeting that doesn’t let their kids watch the show.

So do I cave and let my kids watch it?

Last year, during the writing of my first article, To Glee or Not to Glee, I watched the whole season in about one week’s time (I don’t like to write about something I haven’t seen first hand). During that week my girls would walk in and say, “Oh wow! Is this Glee?!! Can I watch it with you!” I never said “no” to them during that week. We probably watched at least three or four episodes together, often hitting the pause button to dialogue about what we saw.

When Season 2 began, I watched a couple episodes with my wife, curious of the direction that the show would go.

Yes… my kids and I had some great discussions about some of those Season One episodes. Yes, co-viewing media with our kids is a very good practice… but where is the line? Should I rent all the American Pie films and co-view those with my kids?

I’ll make an exception this time and tell you what I decided with Glee. This doesn’t mean it’s the right answer, I’m sure opinions will vary, I can’t even say I’m always consistent…. but as for me, Glee gets the “off button” in our house.

What about you?
What have you decided about Glee?

How do you set realistic guidelines while still preparing our kids for real-world decisions when they’re on their own?

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Overreacting or Interacting about Rihanna’s #1 Song

Posted on: 11/8/11 2:57 PM | by Jonathan McKee

It’s almost like Rihanna is in the mind of today’s teenage girl, looking for love in a hopeless place. Maybe that’s why her song, We Found Love, is still the #1 song across all the charts (#1 on Billboard’s Hot 100, Nielsen, and on iTunes).

Why is this song connecting with young girls especially? Think about it…

Do today’s teenage girls ever feel hopeless? Check.

Do they ever enter bad relationships because of low self esteem? Check.

In their quest for love and acceptance, do they ever engage in dangerous and risky activities like drinking, doing drugs and having sex? Check. Check. Check.

Rihanna’s new song and video are connecting with a generation that is looking for love in a hopeless place. Sadly, the gratuitously explicit music video (watched by tens of millions) isn’t offering any answers other than hoping the good stuff will numb the bad. Her words?

“And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you can have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good.”

If your kids have seen this video, it’s a powerful springboard for discussion. Let me give you a deeper look at what this song and video are communicating.

This video is actually very compelling. In the same way the despondent Solomon cries “meaningless” in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, Rihanna sounds a cry of desperation through this music video, painting a graphic picture of an unhealthy relationship where two people find each other, make out, do drugs, have sex, do more drugs, lose all their money on a gambling spree, shoplift, fight, have angry sex, do more drugs, give each other tattoos, fight more, break up… and then feel the pain of being alone (lot’s of graphic imagery there).

It’s in this vulnerable aftermath, feeling alone, reflecting back on the relationship that the opening words to this powerful video are spoken by Rihanna… a message of hurt, a cry of desperation, and in this hopeless moment, an admission that she’d almost be willing to go through all that pain and risky behaviors… if she could just feel that temporary comfort of the “good” moments one last time! A real perspective, shared by many no doubt.

The music video opens with Rihanna saying these words:

It’s like screaming and no one can hear

You almost feel ashamed that someone can be that important

And without them you feel like nothing

No one will ever understand how much it hurts

You feel hopeless like nothing can save you

And when it’s over and it’s gone you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good.

Two months ago we probably could have sat around speculating whether this video would resonate with a generation of young girls that feel hopeless and are looking for some “good” moments in relationships, in drugs, in sexual activity, in drinking, etc. But fast forward to the present and we have our answer. This generation loves this song. I’d go on a limb to say that people are “connecting” with this song.

Sadly, the answers from this song are “temporary thrills.” The summary of the music video is basically… even though I feel hopeless, empty and in pain, I almost would do it all over again just so I could have those good moments.

This temporary thrills mindset is a great discussion provoker. Last weekend in my Parenting the Texting Generation workshop I told the parents attending, “This is tricky. You really don’t want your kids watching this video, but if they have seen it, it would be wise to not overact, but instead interact with them about what they heard.” Maybe even ask question like:

Is there a love that has more to it than temporary thrills?

Is there a love that doesn’t end in disappointment?

I’m not happy with all the images I see in this video. I’m even more disturbed that this generation relates to this feeling. But I’m hopeful that parents and caring adult role models can respond with “interaction” instead of “over-reaction.”

What about you:

Have your kids seen this video?

Do kids in your community feel like this?

Can you, like Paul in Acts 17, use these words of the “pagan poets” to steer toward a conversation about Christ, teaching Biblical truth?

Posted in Entertainment Media, Music, Parenting, Sexuality, Youth Culture | | Leave A Comment

Secure Enough to Not Be Sexy

Posted on: 11/2/11 10:33 AM | by Jonathan McKee

My girls made me proud Monday night. They were secure enough in themselves to not be sexy. That’s a pretty bold move in a world where sexy is becoming the norm.

Halloween is one of those times where the pressure is on young girls to be sexy. If you don’t believe me, just Google “teenage Halloween costumes” and click on the first thing you see. I just did. Rows upon rows of the same, like the “Supergirl” costume pictured here (I’ve ranted about this before, girls are being pressured to dress too sexy too soon).

Well, this year my girls opted out of “sexy.” (More on that in a minute.)

We’re witnessing the symptoms of a society that values “sexuality” over other characteristics. It’s what the American Psychological Association defines as “sexualization.”

It starts with the normal feelings of insecurity.

“Am I pretty enough?”

“Do I measure up?”

These are the questions young girls ask themselves when they look in the mirror, touching up make-up, running the flat iron through their hair that one last time trying to make it perfect. Any father of teen and tween girls has witnessed this. Even the most beautiful of today’s young girls often struggle with feelings of “too fat,” “too much acne,” “boobs too small”…

Enter “sexualization” stage left.

Sexualization is the media’s solution to insecurity. It works like this: guys notice me when I’m overtly sexual (low tops, short shorts, provocative in words and action), and being noticed is what I want, right?

It’s normal for young girls to want to be noticed. It’s up to parents to teach their daughters what is truly valuable.

This past weekend Lori and I went costume shopping with our girls. Have you been costume shopping lately? Today’s teenage girls don’t want to be a pumpkin or a clown. Costume retailers know that sexy is in. Skirts need to be short and tops need to be alluring. That’s where my kids stepped away from the norm. I became aware of that fact the moment they asked me where to shop for their costumes. “Dad, can we go to the thrift store?”

This year my girls decided to be sweet little old ladies.

It was actually pretty fun shopping for “old lady” costumes. Alyssa (on the right) found the perfect “crafty” sweater and Ashley (on the left) the perfect comfy pants that went up past her belly button. Some glasses and ultimate comfy shoes… and whalah! Sweet little old ladies.

It will be interesting to see what our future holds. Will “sexy” stay the norm? Or will young people eventually grow numb and look for something else? A lot depends on the frequency and depth of the conversations that take place between kids and their parents or caring adult role models.

Hmmmmmm.

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Why Are Teenagers Really Having Less Sex?

Posted on: 10/31/11 11:25 AM | by Jonathan McKee

Last week I wrote a “Youth Culture Window” article on a subject I would earmark as very important, Are Teenagers Really Having Less Sex? And How to Continue This Trend. The interesting part of this whole study is the fact that no one knows why teenagers are having less sex. What’s your theory?

Here’s the situation. If you read the article– and I encourage you to take 5 minutes and do so– you’ll see that sexual activity has gone down from the late 1980’s to 2002ish. Since then… no statistically significant change (a fact overlooked by most the headlines). So the question I asked the CDC, the “National Campaign,” and Pam Stenzel’s ministry is this:

In a country where media is growing more gratuitously sexual and porn is ubiquitous, why are less teenagers having sex?

Then I asked this follow-up question:

And at the same time that sex is decreasing, why do STD’s seem to be either growing, or at least more apparant?

I posted my two cents and the opinions of the experts I interviewed in the artcicle. I’d love you to give the article a quick read and then chime in with your two cents- what you’ve observed- using the articles comments feature.

Your thoughts?

Posted in Entertainment Media, Sexuality, Youth Culture | | Leave A Comment